Well-intentioned friends and family often say the most hurtful things when someone they love is struggling with anxiety. “Just relax,” “Everyone gets anxious,” or “Stop worrying!” are common phrases that actually do more harm than good. It’s tough to watch someone in pain, but minimizing their experience or offering unsolicited advice makes things worse. Let’s ditch the go-to clichés and replace them with true empathy and support. Understanding what NOT to say is the first step to helping those with anxiety feel heard, understood, and less alone.
1. “Just calm down!”
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If only it were that simple! Telling someone with anxiety to “calm down” is like telling someone with a broken leg to “just walk it off.” It minimizes their struggle and makes them feel like a burden. Anxiety can make even simple tasks seem overwhelming – imagine asking someone with a broken leg to run a marathon! Telling them to just relax adds frustration to an already difficult situation.
Instead, try: “I can see you’re really overwhelmed right now. Can I help in any way? Would it help if we took a few deep breaths together?”
2. “Stop worrying so much.”
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Anxiety often involves intrusive, racing thoughts that are incredibly difficult to shut off. Telling someone to “stop worrying” dismisses the very real mental battle they’re fighting. Sometimes, those worries feel uncontrollable, like a swarm of angry bees you can’t swat away. Telling someone to simply stop adds to their sense of failure and frustration.
Instead, try: “It sounds like you have a lot on your mind. Want to talk about some of it? Sometimes just getting it out of your head can help.”
3. “It’s all in your head.”
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While anxiety is a mental health condition, its effects are absolutely real. Saying this invalidates their experience and the very real physical symptoms they might be having, like a racing heart, tightness in the chest, or shortness of breath. Just because you can’t see their struggle doesn’t mean it’s not real!
Instead, try: “I might not fully understand how you feel, but I believe you and want to support you. Can you describe what you’re experiencing?”
4. “Everyone gets nervous sometimes.”
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Minimizing their anxiety by comparing it to everyday nervousness can make them feel misunderstood. Anxiety disorders involve a level of fear and worry that’s often disproportionate to the situation and interferes with daily life. It’s the difference between feeling butterflies before a presentation and having a full-blown panic attack before a regular trip to the grocery store.
Instead, try: “I know this feels different for you. Is there anything I can do to help make it a bit easier? Should we go somewhere quieter or step outside for a few minutes?”
5. “What are you so afraid of?”
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Sometimes, anxiety isn’t triggered by a specific fear, but rather a general sense of unease or impending doom. Asking this can make them feel pressured to justify their emotions, which can be hard to do when the anxiety feels irrational. It’s more about a constant, heightened state of fight-or-flight that makes relaxation incredibly difficult.
Instead, try: “You don’t have to explain anything you don’t want to. I’m here for you. Is there anything I can do right now that would help?”
6. “You need to just get over it.”
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Anxiety isn’t a choice or a character flaw. Telling someone to “get over it” implies they’re not trying hard enough, adding shame to their already heavy load. Imagine someone telling you to “just get over” a physical illness! It’s not helpful and deeply hurtful.
Instead, try: “I know this is hard for you. Would you like some help finding resources or looking into treatment options? There are therapists who specialize in anxiety.”
7. “Think positive!”
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Toxic positivity discounts the complexity of anxiety. Forcing cheerful thoughts doesn’t magically cure a mental health condition. When someone’s in the grip of anxiety, it’s hard to see ANYTHING positive. Telling them to just “be happy” feels dismissive and can make them feel like they’re failing even more.
Instead, try: “It’s okay to not be okay. I’m here to listen without judgment. We can ride out this tough moment together.”
8. “Have you tried yoga/breathing exercises/etc.?”
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Unsolicited advice, even if well-meaning, can feel dismissive. Some self-care techniques are helpful in managing anxiety, but the best time to suggest them is receptively, not during a full-blown panic attack. In the middle of a crisis, they might be too overwhelmed to even think straight, let alone try a new technique.
Instead, try: “Would you like me to help you try a grounding exercise? Sometimes they help me when I’m stressed. We can do it together.”
9. Comparing their anxiety to yours
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Saying “I get anxious too!” with the intent of relating can backfire. Everyone’s experience with anxiety is unique, and it might make them feel like you don’t understand the severity of their struggle. While empathy is important, try not to make it about you – their struggle is valid even if it doesn’t perfectly mirror your own experiences.
Instead, try: “I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. Do you want to tell me more about what it feels like for you?”
10. “But you seem so normal!”
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Anxiety doesn’t always look like someone curled up in a ball crying. Many people with anxiety are high-functioning yet silently battling intense inner turmoil. This kind of comment can make them feel like they have to hide their struggles or that they’re not “sick enough” to deserve support.
Instead, try: “I’m proud of how you’re coping, even when you’re struggling. I know it’s not easy.”
11. “I wish I had your problems.”
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This minimizes their struggle, implying their reasons for being anxious aren’t “bad enough.” It creates guilt and can make them less likely to reach out for help in the future. Everyone has their own battles, and comparing them only invalidates everyone’s pain.
Instead, try: “I’m sorry you’re going through this. This must really suck. Please let me know if I can do anything to help.”
12. “Maybe you should stop drinking caffeine/alcohol.”
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While making healthy lifestyle changes can be beneficial in the long term, this type of comment during a time of crisis feels like blaming the victim for their condition. It’s important to focus on supporting them through the current crisis. Suggesting major lifestyle changes right then can feel overwhelming and insensitive to what they’re going through in the moment.
Instead, try: Focusing on what they need in the present moment to feel safe and supported. Would a glass of water, some fresh air, or a change of scenery help?
13. Nothing
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Staying silent because you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing can be just as hurtful as saying something insensitive. Not knowing what to say is okay, but silence often sends the message that you don’t care or that you don’t think their struggle is important.
Instead, try: “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I want you to know I’m here for you. Is there anything I can do to help?”
