When someone’s already struggling with how they see themselves, even well-meaning comments can come across the wrong way.
What might sound like casual advice or a harmless joke can quietly confirm every negative belief they already hold. While you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around anyone, putting a little extra thought into the words you use is always a good thing. With that in mind, here are some things to avoid saying to someone whose self-esteem is in the gutter, and why they hurt more than you think.
1. “You just need more confidence.”
On the surface, it sounds helpful, but it often sounds like a judgement. If building confidence were that simple, they’d already have it. Saying this makes it sound like they’re choosing to feel the way they do, which just adds shame on top of insecurity. What they usually need is support, not a reminder that they’re lacking something. Encouraging their strengths or small wins will do a lot more than a vague suggestion to “just feel better.”
2. “Why do you always put yourself down?”
People with low self-esteem often don’t realise how often they speak negatively about themselves—it’s become automatic. Pointing it out this way usually doesn’t help them stop. It just makes them feel embarrassed or exposed. A better approach is to gently challenge those comments when they happen. Try, “That’s not how I see you,” or “You’re being hard on yourself.” It redirects the tone without making them feel called out.
3. “You’re overthinking it.”
When someone’s self-esteem is fragile, they often question everything. What they said, how they looked, whether they annoyed someone. Telling them they’re overthinking doesn’t make them stop. Unfortunately, it just makes them feel silly for caring. Instead, meet them where they are. Try asking what’s really bothering them or offering reassurance. They don’t need fixing; they need grounding.
4. “You’re actually really pretty/smart/funny though!”
This kind of comment often comes from a kind place, but when someone’s battling low self-worth, it can feel like you’re papering over something deeper. It’s not that they don’t appreciate the compliment—it just doesn’t stick. If they don’t believe it themselves, your words might feel empty or even uncomfortable. Try focusing on specific, genuine traits you admire. It makes your compliment feel real, not just reflexive.
5. “You have nothing to feel bad about.”
Even if that’s true from your perspective, it can feel dismissive. Someone with low self-esteem probably knows their feelings don’t totally make sense. Of course, that doesn’t stop them from feeling that way. They need empathy, not logic. A better route is to say something like, “I get why you feel that way, even if I don’t see it the same.” That makes space for their experience without feeding it.
6. “You just need to love yourself.”
This one gets tossed around a lot, and while it’s not wrong—it’s not helpful either. Self-love takes time, work, and usually support. Telling someone to just “love themselves” is like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off. If they could flip a switch, they would’ve done it already. What they need is consistency from the people around them while they do the hard work of rebuilding their self-worth.
7. “Stop being so negative.”
Low self-esteem often shows up as pessimism or self-criticism, and while it can be draining to hear, telling someone to stop being negative usually makes them feel like a burden. Instead of labelling them, try offering something more encouraging, like, “That’s a hard thought. Want to talk it through?” That helps them feel less alone instead of more shut down.
8. “Other people have it way worse.”
This might seem like perspective, but it often comes across as minimising. Pain isn’t a competition, and reminding someone how much worse other people have it doesn’t make them feel better. Unsurprisingly, it just makes them feel guilty for struggling at all. Validating their experience doesn’t mean you’re ignoring the bigger picture. It just means you’re choosing compassion over comparison in that moment.
9. “You’re being too sensitive.”
This one cuts deep. People with low self-esteem already question their reactions constantly. Telling them they’re “too sensitive” reinforces the idea that their feelings are wrong, dramatic, or inconvenient. If something you said hurt them, it’s worth asking why instead of shutting it down. Sensitivity isn’t the problem—feeling dismissed is.
10. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Source: Unsplash Again, this often comes from good intentions—but it can feel like a scolding disguised as encouragement. Most people with low self-esteem know they’re being hard on themselves. They just don’t know how to stop. Instead of pointing it out, show them grace. Say something like, “You’re doing better than you think,” or “You’re allowed to mess up sometimes.” That changes the tone from correction to kindness.
11. “Just be yourself!”
Source: Unsplash It sounds great—but for someone who isn’t sure who they are, or doesn’t feel like they’re enough, this advice can feel confusing or even defeating. It assumes a level of confidence they might not have access to yet. A better message is: “I like you as you are.” That helps them feel safe being themselves, even if they’re still figuring out who that is.
12. “You always think the worst.”
Source: Unsplash This kind of comment puts them in a box. It turns a temporary fear into part of their identity, and that’s hard to shake off. It also makes them feel like their way of thinking is flawed or irritating. Instead, try meeting the fear with some gentleness. “That sounds really tough—want to unpack it?” opens the door without judgement, and that’s what they usually need most.
13. “You’re being ridiculous.”
Source: Unsplash This one stings. When someone’s self-esteem is low, they’re already second-guessing whether their feelings are valid. Telling them they’re being ridiculous confirms their worst fear: that they’re not just struggling, they’re ridiculous for struggling. Even if the situation seems small to you, it doesn’t feel small to them. Responding with patience and curiosity goes a lot further than sarcasm or dismissal ever will.
14. “You need thicker skin.”
Source: Unsplash This sounds like practical advice, but it often feels like a criticism in disguise. People with low self-esteem usually wish they could shrug things off. They just haven’t figured out how yet. Rather than telling them to toughen up, try being someone who doesn’t make them feel like they have to. Creating safety gives people space to grow stronger on their own terms.
15. “That’s not true, stop saying that.”
Source: Unsplash If they say, “I’m such an idiot,” and you immediately respond with, “Stop saying that,” it can feel like you’re brushing over what they’re really trying to express. Even if they’re wrong about themselves, they need to feel heard before they can be challenged. Try responding with, “Where’s that coming from?” or “That’s a harsh thing to say. What’s going on?” That invites them into a deeper conversation instead of shutting it down.
16. “I don’t get why you feel that way.”
Source: Unsplash This might be honest, but it’s not helpful. If someone’s opening up, they’re not asking you to get it, they’re asking you to stay with them while they work through it. Saying this makes them feel weird or difficult. You don’t need to fully understand someone’s struggle to care about it. Just saying, “That sounds really hard” can make them feel supported in ways that logic and reasoning never could.
