It doesn’t matter how much therapy you’ve had or how much you’ve tried to move on — a volatile or chaotic childhood sticks with you.
That’s not to say that you can’t learn and grow from it, and it certainly doesn’t have to ruin your life. That being said, there are certain qualities or behaviours you might have as a result of what you went through that persist, no matter how much work you’ve done on yourself. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, of course; we’re all products of our environment, in many ways, and even being aware of the negative qualities we have can go a long way in helping us reshape and overcome them.
1. You can never let yourself fully trust people or situations.
Trust doesn’t always come naturally if you grew up in a situation where people let you down or broke promises. You probably second-guess people’s motives, feel hesitant to let anyone get too close, and always feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop if things are going too smoothly. Obviously, building trust takes time, especially when you’ve had reasons to guard your heart. It might mean starting small, like letting someone help you with something simple, and gradually realising that not everyone will let you down. Over time, those walls can come down without you losing the safety you’ve worked so hard to create.
2. You overthink pretty much everything.
If your childhood taught you to always be on alert, it’s no wonder you’ve become an overthinker. Whether it’s replaying conversations, worrying about what someone really meant, or imagining worst-case scenarios, your brain is just trying to keep you one step ahead. Unfortunately, that constant overthinking can leave you feeling drained and stuck. The good news? Overthinking is a habit you can start to unwind. Journaling or talking through your worries with someone you trust can help get those swirling thoughts out of your head. Learning to focus on what’s happening right now, instead of what could happen, can make a huge difference in quieting your mind.
3. You feel responsible for how other people feel.
When you’ve grown up having to manage someone else’s emotions, like a stressed-out parent or an unpredictable sibling, it’s easy to carry that into adulthood. You might feel like it’s your job to fix things or keep everyone around you happy, even if it comes at your own expense. The reality is, you’re not responsible for how other people feel, and letting go of that weight is freeing. It doesn’t mean you don’t care — it just means you’re not putting your emotional well-being on the back burner anymore. Setting boundaries and reminding yourself that you deserve care too can help you find a healthier balance.
4. Your self-esteem isn’t particularly high.
Growing up in a chaotic or critical environment can make you question your value. If praise was rare or only given when you met certain expectations, it’s easy to fall into the trap of tying your worth to achievements or external approval. Learning to value yourself for who you are, not just what you do, can take time but is so worth it. Celebrate the small wins, talk to yourself with kindness, and remind yourself that you don’t need anyone else’s validation to know your worth. You’re already enough.
5. You use overachieving as a coping mechanism.
For some, excelling in everything becomes a way to find control or prove they’re capable, especially when life felt unpredictable growing up. Overachieving can feel good in the moment, but it can also leave you burned out and wondering if it’s ever enough. It’s okay to take a step back and ask yourself why you’re pushing so hard. Is it for you, or is it to prove something to someone else? Success should feel satisfying, not like a constant uphill battle. Finding joy in the process, not just the outcome, can make all the difference.
6. Long-term relationships are a struggle.
When your childhood taught you that relationships come with strings attached, or that people leave, you might find it hard to fully commit. Maybe you’re always on guard, or maybe you lean too heavily on your partner, afraid they’ll leave if you don’t. Recognising these patterns is a huge step toward breaking them. Therapy, self-reflection, or even open conversations with your partner can help you build trust and create a relationship that feels secure and fulfilling.
7. You’re a bit of a perfectionist and can never settle for anything less than the best.
If everything felt chaotic as a kid, perfectionism might have become your way of creating order. You hold yourself to sky-high standards, thinking if you do everything perfectly, things will feel safe and predictable. But perfectionism can be exhausting and make you feel like nothing is ever good enough. Letting go of perfection doesn’t mean settling; it means being kinder to yourself. Remind yourself that mistakes are part of learning and that being human is messy sometimes. The freedom that comes with easing up on yourself is worth it.
8. You’re deathly terrified of conflict.
If arguments in your home were explosive or unpredictable, you might have learned to do whatever it takes to avoid conflict. While keeping the peace feels easier, it often comes at the expense of your own needs and feelings. Learning that not all conflict is bad is a game-changer. Healthy disagreements are a normal part of relationships, and speaking up for yourself doesn’t have to mean starting a fight. Building this skill takes time, but it’s worth the effort.
9. You’re independent to a fault.
Growing up having to fend for yourself can make you fiercely independent as an adult. While self-reliance is a strength, it can also make it hard to accept help or let anyone support you, even when you need it. Of course, letting people in doesn’t mean you’re weak. In fact, it’s a way to share the load and deepen your relationships. Trusting the right people and leaning on them when needed can help you feel less alone and more supported.
10. You don’t know how to relax or unwind (or you feel guilty doing so).
If you grew up always waiting for the next crisis, relaxing might feel almost impossible now. Even in calm moments, your brain might be on high alert, searching for something that could go wrong. Finding ways to chill out a bit, whether it’s through hobbies, mindfulness, or spending time in nature, can help retrain your brain to let its guard down. Relaxation isn’t a luxury; it’s a must for your mental, emotional, and physical health.
11. You might be a bit of a people-pleaser.
If keeping everyone happy was a survival strategy growing up, you might still find yourself saying “yes” too often. People-pleasing can leave you feeling exhausted and overlooked, but breaking the habit isn’t easy when it’s been your default for so long. Saying “no” doesn’t make you selfish — it’s a way to honour your needs. Practising small steps, like pausing before agreeing to something, can help you prioritise yourself without guilt.
12. You’re extremely critical of yourself for totally normal flaws.
Harsh criticism in your childhood can create an inner voice that’s equally tough on you as an adult. You might find yourself picking apart everything you do, no matter how small, and rarely feeling satisfied. Changing this narrative starts with self-compassion. Speak to yourself like you would a good friend. You wouldn’t tear them down over a small mistake, so why do it to yourself? Kindness can change how you see your worth.
13. You feel weird celebrating or even acknowledging your success.
When your accomplishments weren’t recognised growing up, it’s easy to brush off your wins as no big deal. You might think there’s always something more you could’ve done or that you don’t deserve the recognition. Celebrating your achievements, no matter how small, can remind you of how far you’ve come. It’s not about bragging—it’s about acknowledging your hard work and giving yourself the credit you deserve.
