Sometimes, it’s easy to get caught up in toxic dynamics without realising the harm you might be causing.
Narcissists are dangerous for many reasons, one of which is that they’re pretty good at manipulating other people into acting as extensions of their control, creating a ripple effect that hurts those around them. For instance, they might convince you that such-and-such person is sneaky, calculating, and cruel — all the things they are — and get you to do their dirty work without much of a struggle, all because you believe what they’re telling you. No one likes to be taken for a fool, but if these things are happening, you might just be guilty of narcissistic abuse on someone else’s behalf.
1. You’re enforcing someone else’s rules without even questioning them.
If you’re following rules set by someone that are clearly unfair to other people, it’s time to stop and think about what’s going on. Sometimes, these rules are disguised as urgent or important, making you feel like you’re doing the right thing. But when those rules actually hurt people, it’s a sign that something’s off. Instead of blindly going along with what someone else says, take a moment to consider whether these rules are really fair. When you focus on respect for everyone instead of just following orders, you’re helping create a much healthier environment for all.
2. You’re doing things just to avoid the narcissist’s anger.
If you’re constantly walking on eggshells, worried about upsetting someone or making them angry, it’s a huge warning sign that you’re being manipulated. That kind of fear can create a lot of unnecessary tension, not just in your relationship with that person but also with those around you. It’s worth thinking about where that fear is coming from and why you’re so concerned about their reaction. When you recognise the pattern, you can start standing up for yourself and making decisions with intention, rather than reacting out of fear. Once you stop acting out of fear, you’ll feel much more in control of your own life.
3. You’re cutting someone off from their support system.
Narcissists often try to isolate their victims from their support systems, and before you know it, you could be helping them do it. If you’ve ever discouraged someone from reaching out to friends or family or made them doubt their relationships, take a step back. It usually happens because you’re being influenced by someone else’s biased view of what’s best for that person. Instead of going along with it, encourage the person to stay close to the people who have their back. It’s always healthier to let people maintain their relationships and support networks, as it makes them feel stronger and more empowered.
4. You’re making excuses for someone’s bad behaviour.
If you find yourself defending someone’s harmful actions — saying things like “They didn’t mean it” or “You’re overreacting” — you’re actually enabling bad behaviour. It might feel like loyalty in the moment, but it’s just letting them get away with treating people badly. Rather than making excuses for someone, take a moment to ask yourself if their behaviour aligns with your values. Calling someone out doesn’t mean you’re being disloyal; it means you’re standing up for fairness. Holding people accountable helps everyone act with more respect and integrity.
5. You’re trash-talking someone to protect someone else.
If you’re gossiping or trash-talking someone based on what someone else has said, you’re probably helping to perpetuate a toxic narrative. Narcissists love making people into scapegoats to shift blame away from themselves. Instead of repeating what you’ve heard, try forming your own opinion based on your own experiences. If you’re feeling unsure, encourage open conversations with the person involved. Honest conversations can clear up misunderstandings and stop the spread of unnecessary negativity.
6. You’re pressuring someone to conform to unreasonable expectations.
When you push someone to meet impossible standards — whether it’s about how they act, look, or behave — it’s definitely more about control than care. These unrealistic pressures can make the person feel inadequate or stressed out. Taking a second to ask yourself if these expectations are truly helpful or just about satisfying someone else’s desires can really put things in perspective. Supporting someone’s personal growth and choices is far more productive than forcing them into a box they don’t fit into.
7. You dismiss someone’s feelings as overreactions.
It’s easy to dismiss someone’s feelings by calling them “too sensitive” or saying they’re “making too big a deal out of it,” but that’s actually invalidating. Narcissists often encourage other people to do the same, which only makes the person feel like their emotions don’t matter. Instead of brushing off their feelings, take the time to listen and understand what they’re going through. Validating their emotions helps build trust and creates a safe space where they can be open with you.
8. You feel responsible for managing someone else’s reputation.
If you’re constantly defending someone’s actions or trying to smooth things over to protect their image, you might be unknowingly helping them maintain their facade. Narcissists love having other people act as their PR team, but it’s not your job to cover for them. Instead of making excuses, encourage honesty and accountability. Real relationships are built on authenticity, not keeping up a perfect image. You don’t need to protect someone from the consequences of their actions — let them take responsibility and learn from their mistakes.
9. You exclude someone or give them the silent treatment for no real reason.
Source: Unsplash Ignoring someone or leaving them out of activities is a tactic that narcissists use to control people. If you’ve found yourself doing this, it’s time to stop and think about the harm it causes. Exclusion hurts, and it only strengthens the toxic power dynamic. Instead, focus on being inclusive and showing kindness. A little effort to bring someone in can help break down toxic walls and create a more respectful and welcoming environment for everyone.
10. You’ve started believing that someone deserves to be treated badly.
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are really good at convincing people that someone “deserves” bad treatment, often by twisting facts or making them believe they’re just getting what they’ve earned. If you’ve started believing that, it’s time to question it. These narratives are built on manipulation, and when you take a step back and look at the facts, you can see through them. Supporting fairness and equality means not letting someone justify harmful behaviour, no matter what story they’ve spun.
