When you’re close to a narcissist, it often feels like you’re carrying more than just your own emotions.
Their problems, moods, and crises somehow become yours to fix, even when they’re the ones who caused them. They never seem to consider the idea of personal responsibility, and when you suggest it, they immediately push back. After a while, it becomes hard to separate what’s actually yours from what’s been placed on you. Here’s how they do it—and why it never feels like a fair emotional exchange.
1. They twist the story until you’re the bad guy.
No matter what happened, a narcissist can find a way to position themselves as the victim and you as the one who messed up. Even if they started the argument, crossed a boundary, or hurt you, the narrative gets flipped fast. It keeps you constantly explaining, defending, or apologising. The more you try to correct the story, the more responsible you start to feel for something that wasn’t actually yours to own.
2. They make every emotional reaction about them.
If you’re upset, they’ll ask what they did wrong or accuse you of trying to make them feel bad. Your feelings can’t exist on their own—they must be a direct attack, insult, or manipulation attempt. That dynamic makes it hard to process anything without guilt. You learn to manage your own emotions around theirs, which is exactly how they keep control.
3. They create messes, then act helpless.
They might make poor decisions, lash out, or neglect important responsibilities, and then act like they have no idea how to clean it up. Suddenly, you’re the one stepping in to smooth things over. Whether it’s covering for them socially, emotionally, or practically, they rely on your stability to bail them out. If you don’t help, they act like you’re the one letting them down.
4. They use guilt to keep you emotionally tethered.
They might say things like, “I thought I could count on you,” or “I guess I’m all alone now.” It’s a quiet kind of manipulation that makes you feel bad for stepping back, even when you’re doing it to protect yourself. Guilt becomes the glue that keeps you emotionally stuck. You’re not just managing their needs; you’re constantly trying to avoid disappointing them, even if it drains you.
5. They act like your boundaries are a personal betrayal.
When you try to take space, say no, or express a need, they respond with hurt, anger, or passive aggression. To them, boundaries mean rejection, not self-care. It teaches you that putting yourself first will only lead to drama or disconnection. And over time, you start bending yourself to avoid the backlash, which hands them more power over your emotional bandwidth.
6. They exaggerate their struggles so you’ll drop yours.
Maybe you try to talk about your stress or worries, but they always have it worse. They hijack the conversation, escalate the drama, and suddenly, it’s all about what they’re going through. That constant change keeps you focused on their world while yours takes a back seat. It’s not that they don’t hear you. It’s that your problems only matter when they serve their story.
7. They imply their happiness depends on you.
You might hear things like, “You’re the only one who gets me,” or “Without you, I’d fall apart.” At first, it sounds flattering, like you’re deeply needed. But soon, it becomes pressure. You’re now the emotional caretaker for someone who refuses to care for themselves. And when they’re unhappy, you’re made to feel like you’ve failed at your “role.”
8. They turn vulnerability into a trap.
They might open up just enough to pull you in, share a tough story, or show a crack in their armour, but only to gain sympathy or reset the dynamic. It’s not about connection, it’s about control. Once you feel emotionally invested, they expect loyalty without accountability. Their moment of openness becomes a tool—something to be used against you if you ever push back.
9. They make you feel selfish for needing space.
Time alone, cancelling plans, or choosing rest over their drama often gets labelled as uncaring. You’re told you’re cold, distant, or abandoning them, even when you’re just trying to look after yourself. That manipulation reframes your healthy choices as moral failures. You end up over-explaining or apologising just to maintain your basic needs.
10. They expect you to “just know” what they need.
Narcissists often don’t communicate their needs clearly. Instead, they expect you to read between the lines, anticipate their moods, and cater to their emotional states without being asked. When you inevitably fall short, it’s spun as neglect or lack of care. You’re stuck trying to guess what went wrong, feeling responsible for problems you didn’t even see coming.
11. They minimise your hurt while amplifying theirs.
When you bring up something that upset you, they dismiss it with “That’s not a big deal” or “You’re overreacting.” But when they’re upset, everything stops until they’re soothed. That double standard creates a clear message: their feelings matter more than yours. And if you’re not constantly centring their emotions, you’re made to feel like you’re failing them somehow.
12. They weaponise your empathy.
They know you care, and they use it. They push your buttons, pull your heartstrings, and lean on your kindness until you’re overextended, burned out, and still trying to prove you’re not the problem. It’s not always obvious at first, but if you’re the one doing all the emotional heavy lifting, it’s usually because they’ve learned how to make their comfort your responsibility.
13. They pass the blame subtly, but constantly.
It’s rarely a direct “This is your fault.” Instead, it’s more like “If you hadn’t said that…” or “I wouldn’t have reacted this way if you’d just…” It’s sneaky, and it eats away at your sense of certainty. You start doubting your memory, your instincts, even your emotions. And that self-doubt keeps you tangled in their story, trying to fix things that were never yours to fix in the first place.
14. They rewrite the past to suit their narrative.
What actually happened and what they say happened often don’t match — and when you try to correct it, you’re accused of being dramatic, difficult, or sensitive. They control the story to cast themselves in the best possible light. As time goes on, this makes you question your own version of events. You stop trusting yourself, which makes it even easier for them to assign blame and responsibility that was never yours to begin with.
15. They make you feel like their emotional caretaker, not their equal.
Your role slowly shifts from partner, friend, or family member to fixer, buffer, or emotional stabiliser. They offload, you absorb. They spiral, you soothe. It feels less like a relationship and more like a job. That imbalance isn’t accidental. It keeps them at the centre and you circling around them. And until you name it, it’s easy to think this is just what love or loyalty is supposed to look like, when really, it’s emotional responsibility you were never meant to carry.
