Empathy is one of the most powerful traits you can have, and it’s one that’s sadly in short supply these days.
It helps you connect, understand, and offer support to other people in meaningful ways. Of course, in the hands of a narcissist, that same empathy becomes an entry point for manipulation. Narcissists know exactly how to use your compassion to avoid accountability, pass the blame, and keep you tangled in their emotional games. The worst part is that you often don’t realise it’s happening until you’re completely drained. Here are some of the subtle ways they twist your empathy to their advantage to be aware of.
1. They play the victim every time they’re called out.
When you bring up something hurtful they’ve done, they instantly flip into victim mode, reminding you of how hard their life has been or how no one ever gives them grace. Suddenly, you feel guilty for even mentioning your pain. This tactic works because you care. They know if they act wounded, you’ll shift your attention from your own feelings to theirs, and the original issue gets buried in sympathy.
2. They make you responsible for how they feel.
If they’re upset, frustrated, or insecure, it somehow becomes your fault. You didn’t phrase something the right way, you weren’t supportive enough, or you should’ve anticipated their needs. It turns your empathy into a self-monitoring system. You start walking on eggshells, adjusting your behaviour to avoid upsetting them, while they take no real responsibility for regulating themselves.
3. They use emotional overexposure to gain control.
At the beginning, they may overshare deep emotional stories to draw you in quickly. You feel special, trusted, and needed. But soon, your role changes from partner or friend to caretaker. They weaponise emotional intimacy to fast-track your connection. Once you’re emotionally invested, they know you’re more likely to excuse their future behaviour, even when it crosses lines.
4. They frame boundaries as cruelty.
When you try to set a boundary, they paint it as abandonment, rejection, or emotional neglect. They’ll say things like, “I guess you just don’t care about me” or “You’re so cold now.” This makes you question your own limits. Your empathy kicks in, and instead of standing firm, you soften just to keep them from feeling hurt. That’s exactly the reaction they’re counting on.
5. They mirror your values to gain your trust.
In the beginning, they reflect your empathy right back at you. They say all the right things. They match your morals, your worldview, your emotional language, and it feels like deep alignment. However, they’re not connecting. They’re studying. Once you’re emotionally attached, they start pulling away from those values, leaving you confused about how someone so “like you” could act this way.
6. They guilt you into silence.
When you try to express discomfort or pain, they respond with guilt trips. “After everything I’ve done for you?” or “I guess I’m just a terrible person then.” You end up comforting them instead of speaking your truth. Your natural instinct to reassure or avoid conflict becomes a barrier to your own voice. Unfortunately, they learn quickly that guilt works better than any argument.
7. They cry on command, or shut down completely.
When confronted, they either break down dramatically or go completely silent and withdrawn. Both are tactics that force you to pull focus away from the issue and onto their emotional state. Because you care, you lean in. You try to soothe, fix, or reconnect, while your own feelings get pushed aside in favour of their crisis response.
8. They lean on your compassion to avoid consequences.
When they mess up, they know how to talk their way out of it by tugging on your empathy. They might admit fault in just the right way—enough to sound sincere, but not enough to actually change anything. You’re left giving them “one more chance” again and again because your empathy interprets their regret as growth, even when their behaviour shows otherwise.
9. They convince you that your sensitivity is the problem.
They tell you that you’re overreacting, too emotional, or reading into things too much. And because you’re introspective, you believe them. You start doubting your instincts. They use your self-awareness against you. The more you question yourself, the less likely you are to question them. That’s exactly how they maintain control of the narrative.
10. They use partial vulnerability to disarm you.
They share just enough emotion to appear human—mentioning past trauma, shame, or struggles—to soften your view of them after a hurtful action. You hesitate to hold them accountable because “they’ve been through so much.” However, that vulnerability often lacks follow-through. It’s not a step toward real change; it’s a tool to lower your guard and buy more time inside your empathy.
11. They frame your emotional exhaustion as disloyalty.
When you finally feel burnt out and need space, they take it personally. You’re not being overwhelmed; you’re abandoning them. You’re not tired; you’ve turned against them. This keeps you stuck in the cycle. Even when you recognise the drain, the fear of being labelled uncaring keeps you showing up, even when you’re past your emotional limit.
12. They make you feel like the only one who “gets” them.
They isolate you with flattery, telling you that no one else understands them like you do. It feels like a compliment, but really, it puts pressure on you to be their emotional safe haven. Now, walking away doesn’t just feel like leaving a relationship—it feels like abandoning someone who’s misunderstood by the world. That sense of duty keeps you tethered long after the connection stops feeling safe.
13. They keep you in the loop through subtle guilt.
Even after things get rocky, they drop just enough emotional bait—an update, a sad message, a vague “miss you”—to keep you emotionally attached. They know you won’t ignore someone who’s hurting. These breadcrumbs keep your empathy activated and make it harder to fully detach. You stay connected, not because it’s healthy, but because you don’t want to feel like you’re giving up on someone who seems fragile.
14. They exploit your need to make peace.
If you hate conflict, they’ll use that. They escalate just enough to make things tense, knowing you’ll step in to smooth things over. You apologise first. You reach out. You try to bring harmony back, even if you didn’t cause the problem. This dynamic works because they know your discomfort with tension is stronger than your need to be right. So they never have to meet you halfway—you always go the full distance.
15. They turn your compassion into a long-term hook.
Eventually, they shape your role around emotional labour. You’re the one who stays calm, gives the benefit of the doubt, forgives quickly, and offers grace. And when you finally feel used up, they say you’ve changed. Your empathy becomes the reason you stayed too long—and the very thing they blame you for when you try to leave. It’s a subtle trap that makes you feel like letting go means becoming someone you’re not.
