For those of us who have people-pleasing personalities, finding a bit of a backbone and starting to stand up for ourselves is easier said than done. The thing is, if you don’t assert yourself and you live your life according to everyone else’s wishes, you just end up feeling miserable and unfulfilled. Here’s how to stop being a people pleaser and start living life on your own terms.
1. Learn how to say “no” without being eaten alive by guilt.
Saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s a necessary skill for setting boundaries and preserving your energy. Start small if you have to, but start practicing saying no when you need to. Remember, you’re not responsible for everyone’s happiness. You’re only responsible for your own.
2. Prioritize your needs instead of neglecting them.
It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. In fact, it’s essential. Acknowledge your own needs and give them as much importance as you give to everyone else. Self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity for a balanced life. Make sure your cup is full before you start pouring some for other people.
3. Accept the fact that you can’t please everyone.
Chasing universal approval is a never-ending, exhausting race. Accept that it’s impossible to make everyone happy and focus on pleasing yourself instead. Your opinions and happiness matter. In fact, no one’s is more important.
4. Set healthy boundaries and be firm with them.
Know your limits and communicate them clearly. Boundaries are vital for mental and emotional well-being. They’re not walls; they’re guidelines that help you respect yourself and teach others how to treat you.
5. Stop apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Constantly saying sorry for things that aren’t your fault diminishes your self-respect. Save apologies for when you truly make a mistake. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an apology for living your life your way.
6. Recognize your value beyond what you can do for other people.
Your worth isn’t tied to how much you do for people. Acknowledge your value beyond being helpful. You’re more than just a resource for others; you’re a person with your own dreams, desires, and worth.
7. Embrace assertiveness.
Being assertive doesn’t mean you’re aggressive; it means you’re standing up for your rights and needs respectfully. Practice expressing your thoughts and feelings confidently and clearly. It’s key to moving away from people-pleasing.
8. Let go of the fear of rejection.
The fear of rejection often fuels people-pleasing behavior. Understand that rejection is a part of life and it’s not always about you. It’s better to be respected for who you truly are than liked for who you’re not.
9. Stop looking for validation from other people.
Your self-worth should come from within, not from other people’s approval. Break the habit of seeking external validation. Start validating yourself by acknowledging your own achievements and positive qualities. You don’t need anyone else to tell you you’re great. You need to know it intuitively.
10. Spend some time getting to know yourself.
Often, people-pleasing stems from not knowing what you truly want. Spend time with yourself, explore your interests, and understand what brings you joy and fulfillment.
11. Cut yourself a bit of slack sometimes.
Be kind to yourself. People-pleasers often hold themselves to impossible standards. Learn to treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding that you extend to others. Self-compassion is the antidote to self-neglect.
12. Draw the line between helping people and enabling them.
There’s a fine line between being helpful and enabling their dependency or poor behavior. Recognize this difference. True help is empowering, not perpetual dependence.
13. Re-evaluate your relationships if necessary.
Take a close look at your relationships. If they’re based solely on what you can do for others, they might need re-evaluating. Surround yourself with people who appreciate and respect you for who you are, not just for what you do for them.
14. Start making your own decisions.
Dependence on everyone else’s approval will only end up making you feel paralyzed with indecision. Start making small decisions on your own. Trust your judgment. It will build your confidence in making bigger life decisions without undue influence from others.
15. Learn to be comfortable with discomfort.
Trying to shrug off your people-pleaser identity can initially feel uncomfortable. Learn to tolerate this discomfort. It’s a part of growth. The discomfort will diminish as you become more accustomed to respecting yourself. Change is vital for growth, remember that.
16. Celebrate the progress you make.
Recognize and celebrate every step you take towards stopping being a people pleaser. Every time you say “no,” set a boundary, or put your own needs first, you’re victorious. These small wins are actually major steps towards getting rid of your people-pleasing ways and living for you.
