Every couple argues—that’s normal (and anyone who claims otherwise is lying or delusional).
Of course, how you argue is where things either stay safe or start to turn toxic. “Fighting dirty” doesn’t just mean screaming or slamming doors. Sometimes it’s the subtler, sneakier habits that leave the deepest bruises—the kind that linger long after the fight ends. If something feels off during a fight, but you can’t quite put your finger on it, here are some signs you might be dealing with—or dishing out—dirty fighting in a relationship. If you value your partner and want things to last, you’ll want to get on top of this ASAP.
1. Bringing up past mistakes that were already resolved
When old wounds get dragged back into every new argument, it stops being about resolution and starts feeling like emotional ammunition. It’s a way of saying, “I haven’t really forgiven you,” even if that’s not what’s being said out loud. That kind of fighting reopens healed wounds and adds confusion. You thought you’d moved on, but now you’re back at square one. It can leave one or both people constantly looking over their shoulder emotionally, never fully safe.
2. Using sarcasm instead of saying what you mean
Sometimes sarcasm feels easier than being vulnerable, but in a fight, it hits like a slap. It turns real issues into a joke and makes the other person feel mocked rather than heard. It’s not clever communication; it’s emotional dodgeball. When sarcasm replaces honesty, it creates distance instead of resolution, and that disconnection sticks around long after the argument ends.
3. Eye-rolling, scoffing, or laughing when your partner is serious
Dismissive body language can cut deeper than words. It sends the message that what your partner’s saying doesn’t matter—or worse, that they don’t matter in that moment. Even if it feels small in the moment, those gestures chip away at emotional safety. Feeling belittled when you’re trying to be serious is a fast track to shutting down completely.
4. Refusing to speak until they “figure it out”
Giving the silent treatment as punishment is less about space and more about control. It leaves the other person in emotional limbo, unsure whether they’re supposed to apologise, wait, or pretend everything’s fine. It’s not the same as taking a breather to cool off. It’s about withholding connection to get power, and that kind of emotional freeze-out makes healthy communication impossible.
5. Blaming everything on them, every time
In a dirty fight, there’s often no room for shared responsibility. It’s all finger-pointing, no reflection. One person becomes “the problem,” while the other plays innocent or superior. You’re not finding truth here; it’s about winning. After a while, that imbalance leads to resentment, defensiveness, and a relationship that feels more like a courtroom than a partnership.
6. Throwing low blows that hit personal insecurities
When things get heated, it’s tempting to reach for something that’ll sting—a jab about weight, work, or family. Of course, going for the soft spots doesn’t resolve anything. It just causes pain that doesn’t go away when the argument’s over. Even if the fight ends, those digs echo. They leave people questioning if they’re loved for who they are or just tolerated until a fight gives their partner permission to wound them.
7. Threatening to break up just to gain leverage
Saying things like “Maybe we should just break up” in the middle of a fight, especially when you don’t mean it, creates instability that’s hard to recover from. It shifts the tone from disagreement to fear. When love is constantly put on the chopping block, it makes the whole relationship feel conditional. That fear of sudden abandonment doesn’t build respect. It builds walls.
8. Interrupting or yelling over the other person
Sometimes arguments get loud—that’s human. However, consistently talking over your partner or refusing to let them speak makes the conversation one-sided and invalidating. It’s not about communication anymore; it’s about control. Being heard is a basic relationship need, and when it’s denied, resentment builds under the surface like a slow leak.
9. Using guilt trips to steer the argument
Turning yourself into the victim when you’re being called out for something shifts the focus away from accountability. It manipulates the other person into feeling bad for speaking up at all. It sounds like, “I guess I’m just a terrible partner, then” or “You never appreciate anything I do.” It’s emotional misdirection, and it often leaves the other person confused, apologising for even bringing up their needs.
10. Weaponising past vulnerability
When someone uses your deepest insecurities, secrets, or fears against you in a fight, it crosses a huge line. Those moments were shared in trust, not stored as ammo for later. That kind of betrayal isn’t easy to shake. It can make someone rethink whether they’ll ever open up again, and that fear of emotional punishment weakens even the strongest connection in the long run.
11. Dismissing their feelings as “dramatic” or “crazy”
Calling someone “too sensitive” or saying “you’re overreacting” during conflict doesn’t help anyone calm down. Instead, it just invalidates real emotions. Even if you don’t understand their reaction, it still deserves care. Dismissing someone mid-fight makes it clear their emotions aren’t safe with you. And when emotional safety is gone, open communication usually goes with it.
12. Keeping score of who’s messed up more
“Well, remember when you did this…” is one of the quickest ways to derail any productive argument. Keeping score turns every issue into a competition instead of a conversation. Healthy conflict focuses on the present issue, not stacking grievances like ammunition. Nobody wins in a scoreboard relationship. They just take turns feeling defeated.
13. Avoiding the actual issue by changing the subject
If every fight somehow turns into a different fight, it’s a sign that someone’s dodging the real conversation. Suddenly, you’re arguing about tone, timing, or something from last year instead of what actually matters now. Deflection feels safer in the moment, but it leaves both people unsatisfied. Problems stay unresolved, and the relationship never really moves forward emotionally.
14. Refusing to apologise—ever
Owning up isn’t about being wrong all the time. It’s about showing that your partner’s feelings matter, even when you didn’t intend to hurt them. A refusal to apologise often hides behind pride or fear of “losing.” In reality, refusing to apologise keeps you both stuck. It builds emotional tension and robs the relationship of the softness needed to heal after conflict.
15. Using silence as a punishment instead of space
Taking a break during a fight is healthy; punishing someone with silence isn’t. It’s the difference between “I need space” and “You’re not worth talking to.” One helps regulate the conversation, the other hurts it. Stonewalling communicates rejection, not boundaries. And when someone feels iced out emotionally, it creates a wound that lingers well beyond the argument itself.
16. Acting like winning the fight is more important than understanding
When the goal shifts from understanding to victory, the relationship takes a hit. Fighting becomes about being right, proving a point, or getting the last word, not solving anything together. Real connection means staying curious about your partner, even during conflict. If “winning” leaves someone feeling smaller or unheard, nobody really wins. Long-term love doesn’t keep score. It fights fair, or not at all.
