You already know that narcissists are toxic and will still stop at nothing to dominate, control, and ultimately destroy their victims.
The ways they accomplish this, however, are varied and sometimes extremely subtle — so much so that you might not realise what’s happening until it’s too late. Triangulation is one of their favourite methods; using other people against you — often people that you like and trust — is sly, manipulative, and extremely harmful. The good thing is, the more you understand how it works and how to recognise it, the better you can respond to it if you find it happening to you.
1. Understanding the basics of triangulation
Source: Unsplash Triangulation sounds complicated, but it’s pretty straightforward: a narcissist ropes a third person into your relationship to create tension and keep the power in their hands. Maybe they compare you to someone else (“Why can’t you be more like them?”), or pass along messages that seem innocent but stir the pot. It’s all about making you doubt yourself and keeping things messy. The key here is spotting when it’s happening, so you don’t get sucked into their game. Once you see the pattern, you’re halfway to shutting it down.
2. Spotting the signs in everyday interactions
Triangulation isn’t always obvious. It can sneak in through casual comments like, “Oh, Sarah thinks you’re overreacting,” or, “John agrees with me on this.” Suddenly, you’re questioning yourself—or someone else. If you start feeling uneasy or competitive out of nowhere, pause and think: Who’s really benefiting here? Spoiler: it’s not you. Naming it for what it is—a sneaky power move—can help you stop giving it the emotional energy it craves.
3. Recognising the emotional impact on you
Dealing with triangulation can feel like running on a hamster wheel: exhausting, pointless, and impossible to win. The comparisons, the drama—it’s all designed to make you feel small or unsure of yourself. It’s easy to start wondering if you’re the problem, but don’t fall for it. Remind yourself that this isn’t about your worth; it’s a tactic to keep control over you. By understanding how it messes with your emotions, you can start reclaiming your confidence and seeing through the nonsense.
4. Setting boundaries to limit their influence
Boundaries are your best friend when it comes to shutting down triangulation. This might mean saying something like, “I’m not comfortable talking about them behind their back,” or even just changing the subject when the conversation gets shady. It might feel a bit awkward at first, but trust me, it’s worth it. Boundaries send the message that you’re not playing their game, and over time, they’ll realise you’re not an easy target for their tricks.
5. Avoiding the urge to compete or prove yourself
One of the most tempting traps in triangulation is trying to win—whether it’s approval, attention, or the upper hand. That’s exactly what they want. Instead of playing along, step back and remind yourself you’re not in a competition. Your worth doesn’t come from someone else’s opinion or a comparison they cooked up. Focus on your own goals and what makes you feel good, not what they’re dangling in front of you like a prize. The less you play along, the more their game falls apart.
6. Strengthening your support network
Narcissists love to isolate people—it makes their manipulations easier to pull off. Don’t let them. Lean on friends, family, or even a trusted colleague who can give you some perspective. Talking it out with someone who’s not involved helps you see the situation for what it is: a control tactic. Plus, having people who genuinely care about you in your corner makes it way harder for the narcissist to keep you trapped in their web. It’s like having a reality check on speed dial.
7. Staying grounded when the drama escalates
When things start heating up—because let’s face it, narcissists love a good storm—it’s easy to get swept away in the chaos. Don’t. Take a breath, step back, and remind yourself: you don’t have to engage. Whether it’s deep breathing, going for a walk, or just counting to ten, find something that helps you stay calm. The less you react emotionally, the less power they have over you. Staying grounded is your secret weapon against their drama machine.
8. Shifting focus back to yourself
Here’s a wild idea: instead of putting your energy into figuring out their games, put it into yourself. Take up a new hobby, call a friend, or do something that makes you happy. When you focus on your own life, you naturally take the spotlight away from their manipulations. And the best part? You feel better and more in control. It’s like giving them the biggest “you don’t own me” energy without even trying.
9. Calling out the behaviour when it feels safe
If you’re in a situation where you can safely call them out, it can be worth trying—keyword: safely. Keep it calm and neutral, like, “I feel uncomfortable when you compare me to other people.” Don’t expect them to suddenly admit they’re wrong (spoiler: they won’t), but sometimes naming the behaviour can shift the dynamic just enough to make a difference. And if they double down? Well, at least you tried, and now you know to focus on protecting your peace instead of changing them.
10. Knowing when to distance yourself
Sometimes, the best solution is the hardest one: walking away. If triangulation is a constant , andthey’re not willing to change, it might be time to rethink how much space they take up in your life. Whether it’s going low-contact or cutting ties completely, it’s about protecting your mental health, not punishing them. It’s tough, but stepping away from a toxic situation is one of the strongest moves you can make. You deserve relationships that lift you up, not ones that keep pulling you down.
