Selective mutism is often misunderstood as being shy, rude, or antisocial, but it’s actually a complex anxiety condition.
According to the NHS, it usually starts in childhood, but it can persist into adulthood too. It affects a person’s ability to speak in certain situations, even when they want to. Often, they’re perfectly talkative at home or with trusted people but become completely silent in places like school, public settings, or around unfamiliar faces. While it can be incredibly frustrating from the outside, what’s most important is that it’s not a choice—it’s an intense, involuntary response to social anxiety. To be more empathetic towards those suffering from this condition, here’s what you need to know.
1. It doesn’t mean the person is rude or purposely ignoring people.
People with selective mutism aren’t trying to be difficult or make things awkward—they’re simply overwhelmed by anxiety. When someone doesn’t speak, it’s not a power play or stubbornness, it’s a fear response. Judging or calling them out only reinforces their anxiety and makes them feel even more misunderstood. Kindness and awareness go much further than trying to force a reaction they can’t control in the moment.
2. The person can speak; they just can’t always access their voice.
This is one of the biggest misconceptions. Someone with selective mutism can usually talk freely at home or around people they’re completely comfortable with, but their voice can freeze up in new or demanding environments. It’s not that they don’t know how to speak; it’s that the body and mind are reacting to stress in a way that literally blocks verbal communication. It can feel paralysing and physically exhausting, and pretending it’s simply a matter of “trying harder” completely misses the point.
3. Drawing attention to their silence only increases their anxiety.
Asking “Why won’t you talk?” or pointing out that someone hasn’t spoken yet often makes things much worse. Being the centre of attention is already deeply uncomfortable for someone with selective mutism. The more focus you place on their silence, the more likely it is that they’ll retreat even further. What feels like helpful encouragement might actually come across as pressure, and pressure is the very thing that makes them shut down.
4. It doesn’t just go away on its own with time.
Many people assume kids with selective mutism will “grow out of it,” but that’s not always the case. Without the right understanding and support, it can carry into adolescence and even adulthood. When it’s left unaddressed or treated with punishment or shame, the person may grow more withdrawn and less confident over time. Proper intervention early on can help make recovery smoother and more empowering.
5. Forcing conversation does more harm than good.
Trying to push someone into talking might seem like a way to help them break through their silence, but it often has the opposite effect. The more someone feels pushed, the more resistant and anxious they become. It’s better to offer space and allow connection to build naturally, even if it starts non-verbally. Forced speech might create a temporary result, but it damages trust and increases long-term avoidance.
6. Praising effort, not just words, builds real confidence.
It’s natural to get excited when someone with selective mutism finally speaks, but putting all the focus on that moment can create unhelpful pressure to keep talking. What matters more is recognising the courage it takes to show up, make eye contact, or participate in other ways. Acknowledging these subtle efforts helps reduce the emotional pressure tied to speaking and makes them feel safe being themselves. Confidence grows in small, steady steps, not from spotlight moments.
7. Giving choices reduces social pressure in daily situations.
Open-ended questions like “What do you want for lunch?” can feel overwhelming when someone’s already anxious. Offering two options, or allowing them to point or gesture instead, helps them participate without the pressure of speaking on the spot. Reducing choice overload gives them a sense of control, and that control creates safety. It shows you’re trying to work with their comfort level rather than against it.
8. Non-verbal communication should be welcomed and encouraged.
Nods, facial expressions, written notes, or gestures are all valid forms of communication. These are not lesser forms; they’re part of the bridge to feeling safe enough to speak. By noticing and responding to these efforts, you’re telling them that they’re being heard even without words. This builds a stronger sense of connection and reduces the fear that they have to speak to be seen.
9. Comparing them to other people does lasting harm.
Even casual remarks like “Your sister was talking by this age” or “All your classmates are chatting away” can leave deep emotional marks. These comparisons feel like pressure and shame rolled into one. Everyone progresses differently, and pointing out those differences won’t motivate someone with selective mutism—it’ll likely reinforce their belief that they’re falling short. What helps is focusing on their own progress, no matter how small.
10. Waiting quietly without filling the silence shows respect.
Source: Unsplash It’s natural to want to jump in and ease awkwardness, but sometimes silence is where progress is happening. Giving someone a moment without rushing, sighing, or moving on can give them space to try. You’re showing them that their pace is okay, and that there’s no pressure to perform. Silence isn’t empty when it’s filled with patience and presence.
11. Alternative forms of expression are often a bridge to speech.
Some people might feel more comfortable drawing, texting, or even using a gesture system rather than speaking. These are stepping stones, not crutches, and they should be encouraged rather than phased out too soon. Allowing them to communicate in the way that feels most manageable builds trust and keeps them engaged. Over time, many do begin to speak more, but only when they know it’s truly safe to do so.
12. People with selective mutism are often incredibly self-aware.
Source: Unsplash They know their silence is noticeable. They see the way people look at them, the reactions of teachers or relatives, and they feel the weight of what they “should” be doing. That internal pressure builds up even when no one says a word. So when criticism or disappointment is added on top, it often reinforces feelings of shame and failure. Compassion, not correction, is what helps them break free from that cycle.
13. The best support meets them where they are, not where other people expect them to be.
Real progress starts with acceptance. When someone feels accepted exactly as they are—not conditionally, not based on how much they speak—they begin to feel safe enough to grow. Speech might come later, or it might not. What matters most is helping them feel respected, included, and understood in their own way and time. That’s when real change starts to happen.
If you or someone you know suffers with this condition, help is definitely out there. Teenagers and adults with selective mutism might find comfort and support from iSpeak. There are also some fantastic resources at the Selective Mutism Information & Research Association (SMIRA) website.
