Dealing with a narcissist is like being trapped in a never-ending game where the rules constantly change, and you can never actually win.
Just when you think you’ve figured out how to respond, they twist things in a way that makes you feel like you can’t win no matter what. It’s known as the narcissistic double bind — when you’re given two conflicting choices, both of which lead to you being wrong, blamed, or manipulated. Understanding how this works is the first step to protecting yourself. Here’s what it looks like and how to handle it.
1. You’re wrong, no matter what you do.
The essence of a narcissistic double bind is that you’re placed in a situation where any response leads to criticism or blame. If you defend yourself, you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” If you stay silent, you’re accused of not caring. Either way, you lose, and the narcissist remains in control. This keeps you in a constant state of self-doubt, second-guessing your words and actions. The best way to handle this is to recognise the pattern and stop playing their game. When you realise there’s no right answer, you can step back and disengage from the trap they’ve set.
2. You’re expected to read their mind.
A narcissist often expects you to know exactly what they want without them actually saying it. If you fail to anticipate their needs, they’ll accuse you of being thoughtless or inconsiderate. But if you ask them directly, they might dismiss you for being needy or too clingy. Instead of exhausting yourself trying to guess what they want, set clear boundaries. If they refuse to communicate their expectations, that’s on them, not you. You’re not responsible for decoding their ever-changing moods and demands.
3. They twist your words and behaviour against you.
Even when you think you’re being careful with what you say, a narcissist will find a way to twist it to suit their narrative. They might take a harmless comment and turn it into an insult or accuse you of saying something you never actually said. Trying to defend yourself only makes things worse because they’ll manipulate the conversation until you’re the one apologising. The best approach is to stick to the facts and avoid getting caught up in emotional arguments. Narcissists thrive on reaction, so when you stop giving them one, they lose their power.
4. They make you feel guilty for setting boundaries.
When you try to enforce healthy boundaries, a narcissist will often respond with guilt-tripping. They might say things like, “I guess I just won’t ask for anything anymore,” or, “I can’t believe you’d treat me like this after everything I’ve done for you.” It’s meant to make you question yourself and feel bad for prioritising your own needs. Don’t fall for it. Standing firm on your boundaries is necessary for your mental and physical health, no matter how much they try to make you feel otherwise.
5. They create problems, then blame you for reacting.
Narcissists often provoke reactions on purpose, then use your response as proof that you’re the problem. They might push your buttons, ignore your concerns, or act in a way that’s clearly hurtful, then call you “crazy” or “dramatic” when you react. Understanding this cycle can help you break free from it. Instead of engaging in their chaos, step back and refuse to play into their game. When they see they can’t get the reaction they want, their power over you weakens.
6. They demand constant validation, but never give it back.
A narcissist expects you to praise them, support them, and reassure them, but when you need the same in return, they dismiss or belittle you. If you don’t give them enough attention, they’ll accuse you of being ungrateful or unsupportive. Instead of falling into the trap of endlessly trying to please them, recognise that their demands are one-sided. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, not a never-ending cycle of catering to someone else’s ego.
7. They move the goalposts constantly.
No matter what you do, it’s never enough. A narcissist will set expectations, then change them as soon as you meet them. If they say they want you to be more affectionate, and you try harder, suddenly you’re being clingy. If they complain that you don’t spend enough time with them, and you make more effort, they say they need space. It keeps you in a state of confusion, always trying to adjust to keep them happy. The reality is, they don’t want you to succeed because keeping you off-balance gives them control. Recognising this pattern can help you stop trying to meet their impossible standards.
8. They play the victim no matter what.
Even when they’re clearly in the wrong, a narcissist will find a way to twist the story so they become the victim. If you call them out on their behaviour, they’ll turn it around and make you feel like you’re the one being unfair. The best response is to avoid getting drawn into their emotional manipulation. You don’t need to convince them of your perspective; they’re not interested in fairness, only control. Focus on protecting your own peace instead of proving your point.
9. They alternate between love and rejection.
One day, they make you feel like you’re the most important person in their world. The next, they’re distant, cold, or even cruel. This back-and-forth creates emotional confusion, making you crave their approval even more. This tactic is called intermittent reinforcement, and it’s designed to make you dependent on their validation. Recognising the pattern helps you break free from its hold. A healthy relationship doesn’t make you feel constantly unsure about where you stand.
10. They gaslight you into doubting reality.
Gaslighting is a key tool in the narcissist’s double bind. They’ll deny things they’ve said or done, make you question your memory, or insist that you’re overreacting. Over time, this can make you doubt your own perceptions and instincts. One way to protect yourself is to trust your own reality. Keeping a journal or having outside support can help you stay grounded when they try to manipulate the truth. The less you let them rewrite reality, the stronger you become.
11. They punish you for standing up for yourself.
Any attempt to assert yourself is seen as a challenge to their authority. Whether it’s expressing your own needs, disagreeing with them, or setting a boundary, they’ll find a way to make you regret it. It could come in the form of silent treatment, guilt-tripping, or subtle revenge. It’s important to remember that their reaction is designed to wear you down. Staying firm in your decisions, even when they push back, shows that their tactics no longer work on you.
12. They keep you guessing about where you stand.
Uncertainty is a tool narcissists use to maintain control. They might give mixed signals about how they feel, act differently around other people, or keep you guessing about whether they’re happy with you. That unpredictability makes you work harder for their approval. The healthiest response is to stop looking for consistency from someone who thrives on instability. Instead of chasing their approval, focus on creating stability within yourself.
13. They isolate you from sources of support.
Many narcissists try to cut off their partners or friends from outside support. They may subtly discourage you from seeing certain people, make you feel guilty for spending time away from them, or start conflicts that push people away. Having a strong support system is one of the best ways to protect yourself. The more connected you are to people who genuinely care about you, the harder it is for a narcissist to manipulate you.
14. They make you feel like you owe them.
Whether it’s bringing up past favours or making you feel guilty for their problems, narcissists love to create a sense of obligation. They act as though you’re indebted to them, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. Remember, a healthy relationship doesn’t come with strings attached. You’re not responsible for constantly proving your worth to someone who only takes without giving.
15. The best way to handle it is to disengage.
The only real way to win against a narcissistic double bind is to stop playing. Narcissists thrive on reaction, control, and emotional confusion. The less you engage in their manipulation, the less power they have over you. Setting clear boundaries, limiting emotional investment, and, if necessary, distancing yourself from them altogether can help you break free. You don’t have to explain yourself or convince them of anything — protecting your peace is reason enough.
