What Most People Get Wrong About Setting Boundaries

Everyone’s always banging on about the importance of “setting boundaries,” but that’s often a lot easier said than done.

Of course, it’s important to protect yourself and make it clear to people what you will and won’t accept, but how do you define what healthy boundaries look like for you, and how do you know if you’re getting it right? While there’s no one right way of doing this, here are some things a lot of people (maybe even you) get wrong about putting these limitations in place.

1. Setting boundaries means being mean or selfish.

Many people worry that setting boundaries will make them come across as unkind or self-centred. In reality, healthy boundaries are about self-respect and clear communication, not about being harsh or uncaring. By setting boundaries, you’re actually creating the foundation for more authentic and respectful relationships.

2. Boundaries are set in stone and can never change.

Boundaries aren’t meant to be rigid, unchanging rules. They can and should evolve as you grow and your relationships change. What worked for you a year ago might not work now, and that’s okay. Flexibility in boundaries allows for growth and adaptation in your relationships and personal life.

3. Setting a boundary once is enough.

Unfortunately, setting a boundary isn’t a one-and-done deal. You might need to reinforce your boundaries multiple times, especially with people who are used to you not having them. Consistency is key when it comes to maintaining healthy boundaries. It’s a process that requires patience and persistence.

4. Boundaries are the same as ultimatums or threats.

Boundaries aren’t about controlling people or making threats. They’re about communicating your needs and limits clearly. While ultimatums are about forcing people to change, boundaries are about what you will do to take care of yourself. It’s a subtle but important distinction that many people misunderstand.

5. Boundaries are only for romantic relationships.

While boundaries are crucial in romantic partnerships, they’re just as important in all types of relationships — with family, friends, colleagues, and even yourself. Every interaction can benefit from clear, respectful boundaries. They help maintain healthy dynamics in all areas of life, not just romantic ones.

6. Setting boundaries means cutting people off.

Setting boundaries doesn’t necessarily mean ending relationships or pushing people away. It’s about creating healthy space and mutual respect within relationships. Good boundaries can actually bring you closer to people by encouraging understanding and respect. It’s about quality of interaction, not quantity.

7. Boundaries are all about saying ‘no’.

While learning to say ‘no’ is an important part of boundary-setting, it’s not the whole story. Boundaries can also be about saying ‘yes’ to things that align with your values and needs. They’re as much about defining what you want to invite into your life as they are about what you want to keep out.

8. Setting boundaries is a sign of weakness.

Some people mistakenly think that needing boundaries means you’re not strong enough to handle things. In reality, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries requires a great deal of inner strength and self-awareness. It’s a sign of emotional maturity and self-respect, not weakness.

9. Boundaries are only about protecting yourself from other people.

While boundaries do offer protection, they’re also about respecting people’s limits. Healthy boundaries work both ways — they’re as much about understanding and respecting other people’s boundaries as they are about setting your own. It’s a reciprocal process that encourages mutual respect and understanding.

10. Setting boundaries will make people angry.

It’s true that some people might initially react negatively to new boundaries, especially if they’re used to overstepping. So what? In healthy relationships, clearly communicated boundaries are usually respected and can even strengthen the bond. If someone consistently gets angry at your boundaries, it might be a red flag about the relationship itself.

11. Boundaries are the same for everyone.

Boundaries are highly personal and can vary greatly from one person to another. What feels like a necessary boundary for you might not be for someone else, and vice versa. It’s important to identify and honour your own needs rather than trying to conform to someone else’s idea of what boundaries should look like.

12. Setting boundaries means being difficult.

Many people worry that having boundaries will make them high-maintenance or hard to get along with. In reality, clear boundaries often make relationships smoother and more enjoyable for everyone involved. They provide clarity and prevent misunderstandings, which can actually make you easier to interact with.

13. Boundaries are only about physical space.

While physical boundaries are important, they’re just one type of boundary. Emotional, mental, and digital boundaries are equally crucial in today’s world. These can include limits on what personal information you share, how much time you spend on social media, or how deeply you engage with other people’s problems.

14. Good relationships don’t need boundaries.

Some people think that if a relationship is truly good, there’s no need for boundaries. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Even the healthiest relationships benefit from clear boundaries. They help maintain individuality and prevent resentment from building up over time. Good boundaries are a sign of a mature, respectful relationship.

15. Setting boundaries means being unloving.

Particularly in family or close friendships, people often worry that setting boundaries means they don’t care enough. In reality, healthy boundaries can be an act of love. They allow you to show up as your best self in relationships and prevent burnout. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is set a clear boundary.

16. Boundaries are only about big issues.

While it’s important to have boundaries around major issues, small everyday boundaries are just as crucial. These might include how quickly you respond to messages, how you spend your free time, or how you manage your personal space. Small, consistent boundaries can have a big impact on your overall well-being and relationships.

17. Once a boundary is set, the work is done.

Setting a boundary is just the first step. The real work comes in consistently enforcing that boundary and dealing with any pushback or your own discomfort. It’s an ongoing process that requires self-reflection, adjustment, and sometimes, difficult conversations. But with practice, it gets easier, and the benefits become more apparent.