Narcissists thrive on control, and they’ll go to great lengths to get and maintain it.
Whether it’s emotional influence, power dynamics, or simply knowing they’re still in your head, having that grip gives them a sense of identity. That means the minute they start to feel that power slipping—whether you’re pulling away, setting boundaries, or moving on—their behaviour changes. Sometimes it’s subtle; other times, it’s frantic and obvious. Either way, here are some common things narcissists tend to do when they realise they’re losing their grip over you.
1. They ramp up the charm again.
Source: Pexels When you start to distance yourself, a narcissist will often swing back into full charm mode. Suddenly, they’re kind again, saying all the right things, offering attention or compliments you haven’t heard in ages. This isn’t a sign they’ve changed—it’s a tactic. They’re trying to lure you back in with the version of themselves you once trusted. It’s the emotional equivalent of bait, and it only lasts as long as it needs to.
2. They test your boundaries “just to see.”
If you start setting clear boundaries, they’ll likely push back in small, almost innocent-looking ways. They might ignore a request, overstep a line, or joke about your limits to see if you’re serious. To them, boundaries are threats—not something to respect. Testing them is their way of checking if you’re really done, or if you can still be worn down with time.
3. They act like the victim.
When control slips, some narcissists reposition themselves as the one who’s been wronged. They’ll frame your distance as abandonment, betrayal, or cruelty, even if you’re doing nothing more than protecting your peace. This reversal is about regaining sympathy and attention. If they can’t get you to feel guilty, they’ll often try to make people feel sorry for them instead.
4. They bring up the good times as if they cancel out all the bad ones.
Expect them to remind you of better days—trips, memories, inside jokes, moments that made you feel close. This isn’t nostalgia; it’s strategic. They want to make you question your decision, doubt your instincts, and soften toward them again. It’s less about the memory itself and more about what that memory might reopen emotionally.
5. They become overly reactive or aggressive.
When their emotional grip weakens, many narcissists lash out. Mood swings, yelling, threats, or sudden coldness can appear with little warning. It’s their way of trying to destabilise you again. Their reaction is often about fear disguised as rage. They know they’re losing control, and they’re trying to scare you into giving it back, whether through silence or compliance.
6. They try to make you jealous.
If emotional tactics stop working, they may try to trigger insecurity instead. This can include flaunting new relationships, posting carefully curated updates online, or casually mentioning how well they’re doing without you. The goal is to get a reaction. If they can’t win you back through affection, they’ll settle for getting under your skin—because attention, to a narcissist, often matters more than connection.
7. They recruit other people to guilt or pressure you.
Narcissists often turn to mutual friends, family members, or coworkers to relay messages or stir up pressure. This is known as “triangulation”—getting someone else to fight their emotional battles for them. It’s manipulative, and it often catches people off guard. The more support you have for your boundaries, the more likely they are to rope in other people to poke holes in your resolve.
8. They suddenly “apologise,” but vaguely.
When they sense they’ve gone too far, they might throw in an apology. The problem is that it’s usually incomplete: “I’m sorry you felt that way,” or “I didn’t mean for it to be taken like that.” It’s an emotional half-measure meant to reset the dynamic without real accountability. If the apology isn’t specific, sincere, or followed by changed behaviour, it’s usually just another control tactic in disguise.
9. They rewrite history so that they look like the good guy.
One of the most unsettling tactics is when they start altering past events to suit their current narrative. They’ll deny things you clearly remember, twist stories, or minimise the damage they caused. This gaslighting isn’t about being right—it’s about shaking your confidence. If they can confuse your memory, they can delay your exit or make you second-guess your truth.
10. They mirror your growth, but only temporarily.
If you’re changing, healing, or becoming more self-aware, they may start mirroring those traits to stay relevant in your life. They’ll talk about boundaries, self-reflection, or growth as if they’re on the same journey. However, watch closely. Often, it’s just another mask, worn to buy time. True growth doesn’t expire when they’re comfortable again. False growth, however, usually does.
11. They withhold affection or support.
If they can’t control you emotionally, they may start using absence instead. They’ll pull back affection, compliments, or presence as a punishment—hoping you’ll chase them to restore the balance. This is often an underhanded form of manipulation, designed to make you feel like you’ve done something wrong, even when you haven’t. It’s not withdrawal; it’s weaponised silence.
12. They jump to another source of validation.
When narcissists lose one source of supply, they often scramble for another. You might see them jump into a new relationship quickly, or pour their energy into someone else who gives them admiration or access. It’s got nothing to do with love or loyalty. It’s a way of filling the gap you left behind. The change is usually quick, and often performative, designed to keep their ego intact.
13. They push your empathy buttons.
Once harder tactics fail, they may turn to vulnerability—talking about their struggles, past pain, or fears of being alone. It can sound raw and real, but often it’s timed suspiciously close to your decision to step away. It’s not that their pain is fake, but the timing is usually strategic. They’re hoping your empathy will override your boundaries, and that your care for them will pull you back in.
14. They suddenly respect your boundaries—on the surface, anyway.
Once they realise pushing isn’t working, they might switch to surface-level cooperation. They’ll say all the right things, agree to your requests, and give you space—for now. However, watch their patterns. If the respect is temporary or only appears when you’re pulling away, it’s more about damage control than actual respect. Long-term change takes more than convenient compliance.
15. They start telling people you’re the difficult one.
As their influence fades, they often flip the script. They’ll tell everyone that you were unstable, controlling, or overreacting. It’s their way of reclaiming control by changing the narrative in their favour. This is meant to isolate you, or at least muddy the waters so that people don’t fully support your side. The more they feel exposed, the more likely they are to frame themselves as the misunderstood victim.
16. They try to keep a foothold through small ties.
Even after a relationship ends, narcissists may try to stay in your life through low-stakes channels—liking your posts, sending casual texts, asking for updates “as friends.” It seems harmless, but it’s often about keeping the door cracked open. They’re not checking in because they care—they’re checking in to see if they still matter to you, even just a little.
17. They eventually move on, but only once they know they can’t reach you.
Source: Unsplash Once it’s clear their efforts aren’t working—when you stop reacting, replying, or engaging—they’ll often move on quickly and completely. Not because they’ve grown, but because the ego blow of being ignored is too much to tolerate.
It might look like indifference, but it’s usually the final act in a long series of failed attempts to regain control. When a narcissist truly loses their grip, they don’t always lash out. Sometimes, they just vanish—because they’ve lost the game they never wanted to stop playing.
