The moment you stop reacting the way they expect, something changes.
Narcissists are wired for control, and when they feel it slipping through their fingers, they don’t just walk away quietly. Instead, they often double down, change tactics, or lash out in ways that make you question yourself all over again. If you’ve been pulling away or finally seeing the dynamic for what it really is, here are the kinds of behaviours that tend to show up next.
1. They suddenly become overly kind or apologetic.
It’s jarring when someone who’s been difficult for ages suddenly becomes warm and sweet. However, this isn’t real change—it’s a strategy. Narcissists often switch into charm mode when they sense you’re slipping away. They’ll apologise just enough to make you second-guess leaving.
They might start remembering anniversaries, bringing up good memories, or using language that sounds like growth. However, it’s got nothing to do with accountability—it’s about regaining control. If you give them the reaction they want, the old patterns usually come right back.
2. They try to turn mutual friends or family against you.
When they can’t reach you directly, they’ll try to control how other people see you. Suddenly, people close to both of you are hearing twisted versions of events or subtle digs at your character. It’s not always loud or obvious, but it’s effective. That kind of triangulation creates pressure. You might feel like you have to defend yourself to people you didn’t expect to be involved. It’s messy, intentional, and a way of keeping you on edge even when you think you’ve stepped away.
3. They accuse you of being narcissistic.
Projection is a classic move. The moment you start setting boundaries or refusing to play along, they’ll flip the script and say you’re the one being manipulative, selfish, or emotionally cold. It’s disorienting because it hits right at your sense of self. But remember: healthy people don’t panic when you set limits. If someone’s accusing you of their own behaviour the second they lose control, it’s not a coincidence—it’s deflection.
4. They play the victim to anyone who’ll listen.
Suddenly, they’re the one who was mistreated, misunderstood, or “abandoned” out of nowhere. Narcissists are skilled at rewriting the narrative so they come out looking sympathetic or wounded. It can be painful to hear other people buying into it, especially if they don’t know the full story. However, part of healing is learning not to rush in and correct every false version. Your peace doesn’t need everyone else’s understanding to be valid.
5. They start love-bombing someone new.
Sometimes the quickest way for a narcissist to feel powerful again is to pour attention into someone else. They might flaunt a new relationship, post romantic photos, or suddenly act like they’re the happiest person alive.
It’s not always about you, but when it’s timed right after your disconnect, it’s often their way of provoking a reaction. Don’t take the bait. That rush of affection isn’t usually sustainable—it’s their attempt at proving to themselves they’re still desirable and in control.
6. They test the waters with casual check-ins.
“Hope you’re doing okay.” “Just thinking of you.” “Saw something that reminded me of you.” These messages might seem harmless, but they’re designed to hook you back into the emotional cycle. They often pop up when you’ve gone quiet for a while. It’s not real curiosity about your well-being—it’s a ping to see if they still have emotional access to you. Staying neutral—or silent—is usually the clearest boundary you can give.
7. They start rewriting history.
Suddenly, events didn’t happen the way you remember them. They were “joking,” you were “too sensitive,” or they were just trying to help. This isn’t forgetfulness, it’s manipulation. Gaslighting is one of the strongest tools a narcissist has. When they feel you pulling away, they’ll try to blur your memories so you doubt your reasons for leaving in the first place. Don’t let their version replace your truth.
8. They create chaos just to get your attention.
If subtle tactics don’t work, they may resort to drama. They might stir up conflict, create a misunderstanding, or bring up old issues out of nowhere—anything that pulls your focus back to them. That kind of chaos isn’t random, it’s engineered. Narcissists would rather have your negative attention than no attention at all. Recognising this pattern helps you step back instead of getting pulled in.
9. They exploit your empathy.
They know what tugs at your heart. Illness, loss, sudden vulnerability—they might suddenly reveal something heavy in an effort to get you to soften or reach out again. It’s not that these things aren’t real, it’s that they’re being shared strategically. If they only open up when they feel you slipping, it’s more about their control than connection. You’re allowed to care and still keep your distance.
10. They go cold and try to make you chase.
If playing nice doesn’t work, they might flip into silence. No messages, no reactions, nothing. It’s designed to make you anxious and wonder what you did wrong, even though you’re the one who started pulling back. When they go cold, it’s usually not acceptance—it’s punishment. They’re hoping the silence will reel you back in. However, not reacting shows you’ve broken the cycle.
11. They bring up “unfinished business” to pull you back in.
They might suddenly want to “talk things through” or ask for closure. It sounds reasonable on the surface, but it often turns into a drawn-out conversation where they wear you down emotionally. If every attempt at closure leaves you feeling worse or more confused, it’s not closure—it’s re-entry into the cycle. You don’t owe anyone a drawn-out debrief if it’s only going to hurt you.
12. They start competing with you.
If you’re thriving, healing, or even just feeling stable, they might feel threatened. Suddenly, they’re trying to outdo you—whether that’s through success, popularity, or looking “unbothered.” This competition isn’t always obvious, but it’s there. They need to believe they’re still winning. Still, your growth doesn’t have to be loud to be powerful. Keep going without playing their game.
13. They act like they were never that invested.
To save face, they might pretend it was never that deep. “It wasn’t serious.” “I was just going with the flow.” These comments are meant to downplay the relationship so they don’t look like they’ve lost anything. However, you know what the connection was really like. Dismissing it is just another way to avoid responsibility. Don’t let their revisionist history take away the significance of what you went through.
14. They mimic your healing journey.
As you grow, they might try to copy it. Suddenly, they’re in therapy, journaling, going on a “healing journey.” On the surface, it looks like growth, but underneath, it can be a tactic to prove they’re evolving faster than you. Real healing is quiet, consistent, and done for you—not to compete with or impress someone else. If their growth seems perfectly timed to your distance, it’s worth being cautious.
15. They try to guilt you using your shared past.
“After everything we’ve been through…” “I was there for you when no one else was…” These phrases show up when they’re desperate to keep you tied to the emotional history you shared. However, guilt is not a foundation for connection. A healthy bond is built on mutual respect, not emotional IOUs. You’re allowed to appreciate what you had and still move on.
16. They don’t take the hint—they push harder.
When most people sense someone pulling back, they take space or check in gently. Narcissists don’t. The less responsive you become, the more they push—because it threatens their image and their control. What looks like persistence is really panic. They’re not losing “you”—they’re losing the ability to influence you. That’s what they really fear. Your distance isn’t cruelty. It’s self-protection.
