You know what gaslighting is by now — someone trying to make you feel crazy/like you can’t trust your own judgement and memory.
However, knowing what it is doesn’t make it easy to identify. In fact, more often than not, it tends to get pretty bad before we even notice what’s going on. However, don’t beat yourself up! You’re not stupid or clueless — gaslighters are just sneaky. Here’s why things tend to start to get out of hand before you pick up on what’s happening.
1. It starts with small, seemingly harmless lies.
At first, the gaslighter tells small, inconsequential lies that seem almost trivial. These lies often seem harmless and easy to dismiss, so you don’t pay much attention to them. The longer it goes on, however, the more these small lies build up, destroying your trust in your own judgement and perception.
2. They manipulate your memories to make you doubt yourself.
Gaslighters will often twist your memories, making you believe you’ve misremembered events or things you said. At first, you might question whether you’re just forgetting things. But as it happens more frequently, it starts to chip away at your confidence, leaving you uncertain about everything around you.
3. They isolate you from your support network.
One of the most powerful tactics of a gaslighter is to isolate you from your support network. By making you question the motives of your friends and family, they create an environment where you feel alone and dependent on them. As you become more isolated, it becomes harder to recognise the manipulation at play.
4. You start second-guessing everything.
Gaslighting gradually makes you question everything you know to be true, from your thoughts to your feelings. The constant self-doubt starts to cloud your judgement, making you second-guess every decision you make, even the smallest ones, which then makes you more vulnerable to their control.
5. They dismiss your feelings as “overreacting” or “too sensitive.”
Gaslighters often downplay your emotions, telling you that you’re overreacting or being overly sensitive. It makes you feel as though your feelings don’t matter or aren’t valid. Over time, it even discourages you from expressing yourself or trusting your emotional responses, leaving you more susceptible to manipulation.
6. The gaslighter makes you question your sanity.
As the manipulation continues, the gaslighter may start to imply that you’re “losing it” or that something is wrong with you mentally. This can lead you to feel confused and question your own sanity. The more they plant these seeds, the less confident you become in your ability to discern right from wrong.
7. They control the narrative and rewrite history.
Gaslighters are skilled at rewriting history to make themselves appear in a better light, or to make you feel guilty for things that weren’t your fault. Their manipulation creates a false narrative that keeps you in the dark, preventing you from seeing the situation clearly. The more they control the narrative, the harder it becomes to trust your own perception.
8. They make you feel guilty for questioning them.
Source: Unsplash If you challenge a gaslighter or ask them to explain their behaviour, they’ll often turn the situation around on you, making you feel guilty for questioning them. It can make you believe that you’re the one at fault, reinforcing their control over the situation and further disempowering you.
9. They use your vulnerabilities against you.
Source: Unsplash Gaslighters will often observe your weaknesses and insecurities, using them against you to maintain power in the relationship. That could involve using past trauma or fears you’ve shared to manipulate your reactions. Their calculated approach strengthens their hold on you, making it harder to break free.
10. They give you just enough validation to keep you hooked.
Gaslighters are masters at giving small, fleeting moments of validation that make you feel appreciated, loved, or valued. These moments are usually followed by manipulation, creating a confusing dynamic that leaves you hopeful for the next “good moment.” Having intermittent reinforcement can make you hold on, even when you know something is wrong.
11. They plant seeds of doubt about other people’s intentions.
Another tactic is to make you question the motivations of those around you. They may tell you that your friends or family members don’t have your best interests at heart. Over time, it creates distrust in your support system, making you more dependent on the gaslighter and isolating you from helpful perspectives.
12. You start to feel like everything is your fault.
Gaslighters often manipulate situations in such a way that you believe you’re the one to blame for everything that goes wrong. As time goes on, you start to feel a level of guilt and self-blame that makes you feel responsible for their actions, even when you have no reason to do so. That further weakens your sense of autonomy and power.
13. They shift the blame onto you.
Rather than taking responsibility for their own actions, gaslighters are skilled at shifting the blame onto you. They make you feel as if you’re the one causing the problems, even when the issues lie squarely with them. Their constant deflection prevents them from being held accountable and perpetuates the cycle of manipulation.
14. The manipulation becomes more frequent and intense.
As time goes on, the gaslighting tactics increase in intensity. What may have started as subtle manipulation grows into a more frequent and forceful pattern. The escalation makes it harder to recognise what’s happening and leaves you feeling trapped and helpless.
15. You begin to lose touch with reality.
The cumulative effect of gaslighting can eventually cause you to lose touch with reality. You start questioning not just the manipulator’s actions but your own thoughts, memories, and perceptions. The longer the manipulation continues, the harder it becomes to separate truth from fiction, and the more difficult it becomes to regain control over your own life.
