You loved someone with all your heart, but you knew they’d never be able or willing to offer you the kind of love you’ve always dreamed enough.
It’s simple enough: In that situation, you walk away. However, for some reason, you stay, and stay, and stay, even if it makes you miserable. Why do we do this as human beings? There are plenty of possible explanations for this behaviour.
1. We’re afraid of being alone.
The fear of loneliness can be a powerful motivator. Many of us would rather stay in a less-than-ideal relationship than face the prospect of being on our own, and this fear can make us overlook red flags and settle for less than we deserve, convincing ourselves that any connection is better than none at all.
2. We’re hoping they’ll change.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that if we just love someone enough, they’ll eventually change into the person we need them to be. This hope can keep us hanging on, always waiting for that magical moment when they’ll finally give us the love we’re craving.
3. We have low self-esteem.
When we don’t value ourselves highly, we might believe that we don’t deserve better treatment. Low self-esteem can make us accept less love than we need, thinking it’s all we’re worthy of. This mindset can keep us stuck in unfulfilling relationships, unable to demand more.
4. We’re recreating familiar patterns.
Often, we’re drawn to relationships that feel familiar, even if they’re not healthy. If we grew up with inconsistent love or attention, we might unconsciously be drawn to similar dynamics in our adult relationships. It’s comfortable in its familiarity, even if it’s not fulfilling.
5. We’re addicted to the highs.
Relationships that don’t consistently meet our needs can create a rollercoaster of emotions. The occasional moments of connection or affection can feel incredibly intense, leading to a sort of addiction. We cling to these highs, overlooking the more frequent lows.
6. We’ve invested too much time.
The sunk cost fallacy isn’t just for economics; it applies to relationships too. After investing years in a relationship, we might feel like leaving would mean all that time was wasted. Sadly, this can keep us holding on, even when it’s clear the relationship isn’t working.
7. We’re afraid of hurting the other person.
Sometimes, we stay in unfulfilling relationships because we’re more concerned about our partner’s feelings than our own needs. The thought of hurting them by leaving can be overwhelming, so we sacrifice our own happiness to spare them pain.
8. We’re comfortable with the status quo.
Change can be scary, even when it’s for the better. The familiarity of our current situation, no matter how unfulfilling, can feel safer than the unknown of being single or starting a new relationship. Our comfort with the known can keep us clinging to what we have.
9. We believe we can’t do better.
A lack of confidence in our ability to find a more fulfilling relationship can keep us stuck. We might think that this is as good as it gets, or that we won’t be able to find someone else who will love us at all. This belief can make us settle for less than we deserve.
10. We’re using the relationship as a distraction.
Sometimes, we cling to unfulfilling relationships as a way to avoid dealing with other issues in our lives. The drama and emotional ups and downs can serve as a distraction from personal problems or goals we’re afraid to pursue.
11. We’re idealising the person.
It’s easy to fall in love with the potential we see in someone, rather than who they actually are. We might cling to an idealised version of our partner, always hoping they’ll live up to this perfect image we’ve created, even when reality consistently falls short.
12. We’re afraid of judgement from other people.
The fear of what friends, family, or society might think if we end the relationship can keep us holding on. We might worry about being seen as a failure, or fear the stigma that sometimes comes with being single, especially as we get older.
13. We’re confusing drama with passion.
In a culture that often romanticises turbulent relationships, we might mistake the drama of an unfulfilling relationship for passion. The constant emotional highs and lows can feel exciting, leading us to believe we’re in a deeply passionate relationship rather than a dysfunctional one.
14. We’re avoiding self-reflection.
Sometimes, clinging to a relationship that doesn’t meet our needs is easier than facing our own issues. It allows us to focus on the other person’s shortcomings rather than doing the hard work of self-improvement. Leaving would mean confronting our own role in the dynamic.
