Raising children doesn’t come with an instruction manual, and the challenges don’t magically disappear once they become adults.
In fact, maintaining a healthy and respectful relationship with your grown children can sometimes feel like navigating a whole new terrain. While unconditional love is always there, it’s important to be aware of your actions and words, as they can significantly impact the respect your adult children have for you. Here are some behaviours that might unintentionally diminish that respect.
1. You refuse to acknowledge their autonomy.
Your adult children are independent individuals capable of making their own choices. If you constantly try to control their lives, offer unsolicited advice, or dismiss their decisions, they’ll likely feel disrespected and resentful. Trust their judgment, respect their boundaries, and let them pave their own paths.
2. You constantly criticise their choices.
We all have opinions, but bombarding your adult children with criticism about their careers, partners, parenting styles, or lifestyle choices can create distance and strain the relationship. Offer support and guidance when asked, but avoid judgment and negativity. Remember, they are adults who are entitled to their own opinions and decisions.
3. You treat them like children.
Source: Unsplash Speaking to them in a condescending tone, making decisions for them without their input, or belittling their accomplishments can be incredibly hurtful. Treat your adult children as the capable adults they are. Acknowledge their growth and respect their independence.
4. You pry into their personal lives.
While you might be curious about their relationships, finances, or career aspirations, constantly asking intrusive questions can feel invasive and disrespectful. Give them the space to share information on their own terms. If they feel comfortable enough, they’ll confide in you without feeling pressured.
5. You compare them to their siblings or others.
Comparisons can be incredibly damaging to self-esteem and create unnecessary sibling rivalry. Each of your children is unique and should be celebrated for their individual strengths and accomplishments. Avoid comparing them to each other or to other people, as it can undermine their confidence and breed resentment.
6. You guilt-trip them into spending time with you.
While spending time together is important, guilt-tripping your adult children into visiting or calling you can backfire. It can make them feel obligated and resentful, rather than genuinely wanting to spend time with you. Instead, focus on creating positive and enjoyable experiences together that they’ll look forward to.
7. You share their personal information without their consent.
Respect their privacy and avoid divulging their personal information to others without their permission. This includes details about their relationships, finances, or health. Violating their trust in this way can be deeply hurtful and can damage your relationship.
8. You are overly dependent on them for emotional or financial support.
While it’s natural to rely on your children for support, becoming overly dependent on them for emotional or financial needs can put a strain on the relationship. Try to maintain your own independence and find other sources of support, such as friends, therapy, or community groups.
9. You offer unwanted financial assistance.
While helping your children financially in times of need is natural, consistently offering unsolicited financial assistance can undermine their sense of independence and responsibility. It can create a dynamic where they feel entitled to your support and may hinder their ability to learn financial management skills. Offer support when genuinely needed, but encourage them to be self-sufficient and responsible for their own finances.
10. You hold onto outdated expectations or roles.
As your children grow older, your relationship with them will inevitably evolve. Holding onto outdated expectations of how they should behave or what roles they should fulfil can create tension and conflict. Accept that they are adults with their own lives and values. Embrace the changing dynamics of your relationship and find new ways to connect and support each other.
11. You gossip about them to others.
Sharing your adult children’s personal struggles or shortcomings with others, even close friends or family, is a major breach of trust. It can make them feel betrayed and humiliated. Respect their privacy and keep their confidences. If you need to vent or ask for advice, do so with a therapist or trusted confidant who won’t gossip.
12. You refuse to apologise or admit when you’re wrong.
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s important to own up to them. Refusing to apologise or acknowledge when you’ve hurt your child’s feelings can create resentment and damage your relationship. Be humble enough to admit your faults and make amends when necessary. This shows respect for your child and models healthy communication skills.
13. You don’t respect their partners or friends.
Making negative comments about your child’s significant other or friends can be hurtful and alienating. Even if you don’t personally approve of their choices, it’s important to respect their relationships and support their happiness. Remember, your child is an adult and is capable of choosing their own friends and partners.
14. You try to live vicariously through them.
Don’t project your own unfulfilled dreams or aspirations onto your children. They are not an extension of you, but unique individuals with their own paths to follow. Support their goals and dreams, even if they differ from your own. Celebrate their achievements and encourage them to pursue their passions, regardless of whether they align with your expectations.
