When you care about someone — a friend, partner, or even a family member! — it’s easy to excuse their bad behaviour.
You accept their flaws, after all, and you feel protective of them. It’s a natural human response, but it can also be a really damaging one, especially if part of their bad behaviour includes treating you poorly. You might think the things they do are no big deal, but if you say these things, you’ve clearly normalised being walked all over, and that’s not right!
1. “That’s just how they are.”
We’ve all said this about that friend who’s consistently late or the family member who makes backhanded compliments. But here’s the thing – someone’s personality isn’t a free pass for treating you like yesterday’s leftovers. While everyone has their quirks, using this phrase is like giving someone a lifetime pass to ignore your feelings. Instead of accepting poor behaviour as a character trait, try setting clear boundaries about what works for you. After all, how someone treats you says more about their choices than their unchangeable nature.
2. “I’m probably just overreacting.”
Ever catch yourself downplaying your feelings like they’re the volume on a too-loud TV? This phrase is often our go-to when we’re trying to convince ourselves that legitimate upset isn’t worth addressing. Your feelings aren’t a faulty car alarm going off for no reason – they’re your internal GPS telling you something isn’t right. Next time you feel those emotions bubbling up, try giving them the spotlight instead of shoving them into the background. Acknowledging “This bothers me, and that’s worth exploring” keeps your emotional compass pointing true north.
3. “They’re only like this when they’re stressed.”
Making excuses for someone’s behaviour based on their mood is like saying it’s okay for a rain cloud to follow you around just because it’s having a rough day. Sure, we all have our moments, but stress shouldn’t be a free pass to treat people poorly. Everyone deals with pressure, but using it as a get-out-of-jail-free card for bad behaviour sets up a pattern where you’re constantly walking on eggshells. Consider that someone who genuinely cares about your feelings will try to manage their stress without making it your problem.
4. “At least they don’t…”
Comparing bad behaviour to worse scenarios is like being happy with a leaky roof because at least the whole house isn’t underwater. When we start measuring mistreatment on a sliding scale, we’re already losing sight of what we actually deserve. Just because someone isn’t doing the absolute worst thing doesn’t mean their actions are okay. Your standards for how you’re treated shouldn’t be based on horror stories – they should reflect what makes you feel respected and valued.
5. “I’m just not good at setting boundaries.”
Treating boundary-setting like it’s an inborn talent rather than a learned skill is selling yourself short. It’s like saying you’re not good at riding a bike without ever trying to learn. Nobody emerges from the womb with a PhD in personal boundaries – it’s something we all have to practice. Start small, be consistent, and remember that setting boundaries isn’t about being mean; it’s about taking care of yourself like you’d take care of a good friend.
6. “They didn’t mean to hurt me.”
Intent and impact are like distant cousins – related but not the same thing. While someone’s intentions might be as pure as freshly fallen snow, the effect of their actions can still feel like getting hit by a snowplough. Good intentions don’t automatically erase real hurt. Instead of focusing on what they meant to do, try acknowledging how their actions actually made you feel. Someone who cares will want to know about the impact, regardless of their intentions.
7. “Maybe I’m just too sensitive.”
Labelling yourself as “too sensitive” is like apologising for having taste buds that detect when food is too spicy. Your emotional responses are valid information about how something affects you. Being sensitive often means you’re tuned in to important nuances in relationships and interactions. Instead of seeing it as a flaw, consider it your emotional smoke detector – it’s there to alert you when something’s not right.
8. “It could be worse.”
Sure, and a flat tire could be an exploded engine – but that doesn’t mean you should keep driving on it. Downplaying your discomfort because other people might have it harder is like ignoring a toothache because someone else needs a root canal. Your feelings and experiences matter, regardless of what anyone else is going through. You’re allowed to address what’s not working in your life without waiting for it to become a worst-case scenario.
9. “They’re family, so I have to put up with it.”
Blood ties aren’t unlimited passes for bad behaviour. Being family means there should be more care and respect, not less. Think of it like a premium subscription – you should get better treatment, not worse! While family relationships can be complex, using this phrase often leads to accepting patterns that you wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else. Remember, family should lift you up, not wear you down.
10. “I probably deserved it.”
This one’s like taking blame for rain on your wedding day – something you neither controlled nor deserved. Self-blame often feels easier than confronting someone else’s poor behaviour, but it’s a trap that keeps you stuck in unhealthy patterns. Nobody deserves to be mistreated, full stop. Your actions might have consequences, but they shouldn’t include accepting disrespect or emotional harm.
11. “It’s not a big deal.”
When we downplay things that bother us, it’s like putting a “do not disturb” sign on our own feelings. Small issues tend to grow when ignored – think of a tiny pebble in your shoe that eventually gives you a blister. If something bothers you enough to notice it, it’s worth addressing. Your peace of mind is a big deal, and treating it otherwise only teaches people that your comfort is negotiable.
12. “They’re going through a lot right now.”
Everyone’s fighting their own battles, but that shouldn’t make you their emotional punching bag. While empathy is beautiful, using it to excuse consistent poor treatment is like letting someone repeatedly step on your toes because their feet hurt. Supporting someone through tough times shouldn’t require sacrificing your own well-being. True support can coexist with healthy boundaries.
13. “I’ve dealt with worse.”
Past hardships shouldn’t be the measuring stick for what you’re willing to accept now. Having survived worse doesn’t mean you need to keep testing your endurance. Think of it like this: just because you once ate a terrible meal doesn’t mean you should keep accepting undercooked food. Each experience deserves to be evaluated on its own terms, not compared to your highlight reel of tough times.
14. “They would never intentionally hurt me.”
Focusing solely on intentions while ignoring actions is like praising someone for aiming well while they keep accidentally hitting you with tennis balls. Even if someone doesn’t mean to cause harm, repeated “unintentional” hurts need addressing. Good intentions should be backed up by efforts to change harmful behaviours. Remember, impact matters more than intent when it comes to your well-being.
15. “I’m just too demanding.”
Having standards isn’t being demanding – it’s having a healthy sense of self-worth. Thinking you’re asking for too much by wanting basic respect and consideration is like feeling guilty for wanting doors to have handles. Your needs and boundaries aren’t unreasonable just because someone else finds them inconvenient. A good relationship shouldn’t make you feel like you’re constantly asking for too much.
16. “Other people have it worse.”
Using everyone else’s challenges to invalidate your own feelings is like saying you can’t be happy because someone else is happier. Pain isn’t a competition, and there’s no minimum threshold of suffering you need to reach before your feelings matter. Just because someone else has a broken leg doesn’t mean your sprained ankle doesn’t hurt. Your experiences are valid, regardless of what other people are going through.
