Dealing with a narcissist is one of the most draining things you’ll ever have to face.
It’s not just a bit of a difficult relationship; it’s a total assault on your sense of self that can leave you feeling like a shell of the person you used to be. They have a real knack for twisting the truth until you’re left questioning your own sanity, and they do it with such confidence that you start to believe their version of events over your own eyes. It’s really important to understand the games they’re playing so you can stop the rot and get your life back on track. These 10 tactics are the standard tools they use to keep you off balance and under their thumb.
1. They use love bombing to hook you in.
At the very start, a narcissist will make you feel like the most important person on the planet. They’ll shower you with massive amounts of affection, constant compliments, and more attention than you’ve ever had. It feels brilliant, like you’ve finally found that one person who truly gets you.
Of course, you’re not being loved; you’re being targeted. This “love bombing” is just a way to make you emotionally dependent on them as quickly as possible. Once they’re sure they’ve got you hooked, and you’ve let your guard down, the mask starts to slip, and they move on to the next phase of the game.
2. They gaslight you into doubting your reality.
Narcissists are absolute pros at manipulation. They’ll flat out deny saying things that you heard with your own ears, or they’ll twist your words until you’re the one apologising for something they did. This is gaslighting, and it’s one of the most cruel things someone can do to you. It’s a deliberate attempt to make you doubt your own memory and your own mind.
When you can’t trust your own version of events, you start to rely on theirs, which is exactly where they want you. You end up feeling confused, lost, and totally unsure of what’s actually happening in your own life.
3. They project their own flaws onto you.
If a narcissist is doing something wrong, you can bet your life they’ll be the first ones to accuse you of it. If they’re being dishonest or sneaking about, they’ll call you a liar. If they’re trying to run your life, they’ll claim you’re the one being controlling.
This projection is a way for them to deflect any blame and make sure they never have to look at their own behaviour. It’s a classic move that leaves you defending yourself against things you haven’t even done, while they get away with murder.
4. They isolate you from your support system.
A narcissist wants to be the only voice in your head. They’ll slowly start to drive a wedge between you and your mates or your family, often by planting little seeds of doubt about their intentions. They might tell you that your mum is too interfering or that your best mate is jealous of the relationship.
The goal is to get you into a position where you’re relying on the narcissist for everything. Once you’re isolated, it’s much harder for you to get a bit of perspective from people who actually care about you, making it easier for the narcissist to keep their grip.
5. They devalue and criticise your every move.
Once the honeymoon period of love bombing is over, the compliments stop and the constant picking begins. They’ll start to belittle you in small ways at first, chipping away at your confidence. They’ll find faults with the way you look, your personality, or the things you’ve achieved. It’s a relentless campaign designed to make you feel small and worthless. They want you to believe that nobody else would ever want you, so you’ll be too scared to leave the miserable situation they’ve created.
6. They play the victim to gain sympathy.
Narcissists are great at playing the martyr. If you try to bring up a problem with their behaviour, they’ll somehow turn it around so they’re the ones who are suffering. They’ll exaggerate their own problems and paint you as the villain who is making their life a misery. This is a clever way to make you feel guilty and responsible for their happiness. Instead of them apologising to you, you end up comforting them for the “stress” you’ve caused by simply asking for a bit of basic respect.
7. They use triangulation to create insecurity.
A narcissist loves to bring a third person into your relationship to make you feel on edge. They might start talking about an ex, flirting with someone in front of you, or going on about how much attention they’re getting from someone at work. This is called triangulation, and it’s all about making you feel threatened and less worthy. They want you to compete for their affection because it gives them a massive ego boost to see you jumping through hoops just to prove your value to them.
8. They give backhanded compliments and insults.
You’ll find that a narcissist is an expert at disguising a nasty dig as a nice comment. They’ll say things like “you’re actually quite clever for someone who didn’t go to university” or “that shirt is very brave.” These little barbs are meant to keep you feeling slightly insecure while giving them the excuse that they were “only being honest” or “giving you a compliment.” It’s a subtle way of undermining your self-esteem without being so obvious that you can easily call them out on it.
9. They discard and hoover you back in.
The cycle of a narcissistic relationship is incredibly predictable. Once they feel they’ve drained you of everything you have to give, they might abruptly end the relationship and act like you never mattered at all. But just as you’re starting to move on and find a bit of peace, they’ll reappear out of the blue.
They’ll act like nothing ever happened, or they’ll promise they’ve changed. This is “hoovering,” and it’s just a way to pull you back into the mess so they can regain control and start the whole cycle of abuse all over again.
10. They blame you for their own unhappiness.
The truth is that a narcissist will never be truly happy, but they’ll never admit that the problem is inside them. Instead, they’ll find someone else to blame for every failure and every bad mood, and most of the time, that person is you. If their life isn’t going the way they wanted, it’s because you’re holding them back, or you’re too demanding.
Constantly having the blame pushed onto you keeps you off balance and makes you feel like if you just tried a bit harder, they might finally be satisfied. It’s a carrot they’ll keep dangling forever, but you’ll never actually reach it.
