We’ve come a long way in tackling the messier parts of traditional masculinity, but the pressure to just deal with it is still a massive problem.
Too many boys grow up being told that having a range of feelings is somehow weak or feminine, which is a total lie that ends up backfiring in adulthood. You end up with men who are essentially walking around with their emotions bottled up tight, with no clue how to actually handle them when life gets heavy.
It doesn’t have to be a lifelong sentence of staying closed off, though. Learning to come to terms with what’s going on inside and sharing it properly is how you actually cope with the world. And for the record, while we’re talking about men here, these things can help anyone who feels like they’ve lost touch with how they feel.
1. Start journaling regularly.
If the idea of talking to someone else feels like a step too far right now, writing things down is a solid way to start. There’s zero pressure because it’s private; nobody is ever going to read it unless you want them to. By just jotting down whatever is rattling around your head at the end of the day, you start to see patterns in why you’re reacting to things a certain way. It’s a chance to be honest without having to worry about how you’re coming across. Over time, it turns into a release valve for all the stuff you’d usually just try to ignore.
2. Practise naming their emotions.
A lot of men struggle to put a label on what’s happening beyond fine or annoyed. It sounds basic, but taking a second to stop and actually ask yourself what’s happening in your head can make a huge difference. You don’t need to overthink it—start with the basics like happy, sad, angry, or scared, and see which one fits the best. Once you get used to identifying the feeling, it stops being a vague, overwhelming cloud and becomes something much easier to manage. It’s about building a vocabulary for your own brain so you aren’t just reacting blindly to everything.
3. Open up to a close friend.
There’s a lot of freedom in finally telling a mate that things aren’t exactly 100 percent. It doesn’t mean you have to go on a 4-hour dive into your childhood; it can be as simple as admitting when a situation at work is actually getting to you. Starting with these smaller bits of honesty builds up your confidence for when you might need to talk about something bigger. You’ll probably find that once you open that door, they’re relieved to have someone they can be real with, too. It breaks the cycle of everyone pretending everything is perfect when it clearly isn’t.
4. Explore creative outlets.
Sometimes words aren’t the best way to get things out, and that’s where things like music, art, or even just building something in the shed come in. There’s a reason people have been using creative hobbies to process their lives for centuries—it gives you a way to channel your energy into something you can actually see or hear. Whether you’re learning a guitar riff or messing about with a sketchbook, you’re giving your brain a way to express things that might be too complicated to explain over a pint. It’s a productive way to offload without feeling like you’re being put on the spot.
5. Practise mindfulness or meditation.
These techniques get a bit of a bad rep, but at their core, they’re just about noticing your thoughts before they spiral out of control. It’s about training your brain to see a feeling as it pops up, rather than just letting it take over or trying to bury it. When you spend 10 minutes a day just sitting with your thoughts without judging them, it becomes a lot easier to recognise when you’re starting to feel stressed or overwhelmed in real life. You’re essentially building an early warning system that helps you deal with things before they turn into a crisis.
6. Join a support group or men’s circle.
There’s something very powerful about being in a room with other men who are trying to do the same work. It’s a space where the usual rules of acting tough don’t apply, and it shows you very quickly that you aren’t the only one struggling with this stuff. Seeing other people be vulnerable makes it feel a lot more normal and less like something you should be ashamed of. It’s a great way to practise being open in a setting where everyone is there for the same reason, which takes a lot of the initial fear out of the process.
7. Get help from a therapist or counsellor.
Sometimes you need a professional to help you untangle the knots. A therapist provides a space where you can say exactly what’s on your mind without worrying about being judged or having it repeated to your mates. They can give you actual tools to understand why you feel the way you do and help you work through things that have been weighing you down for years. It’s not a sign of failure to go to therapy; it’s more like hiring a coach to help you get your mental house in order.
8. Use “I feel” statements in conversations.
The way we talk to people can either open up a conversation or shut it down instantly. If you start with you made me angry, the other person is going to get defensive and stop listening. If you swap that for I feel angry when this happens, you’re owning your emotion rather than pointing the finger. It’s a small change to the way you speak, but it makes a massive difference in how people react to you. It keeps the focus on the actual issue rather than turning everything into a point-scoring exercise.
9. Do more active listening.
When you really listen to someone else talk about their own feelings, you’re doing more than just being a good mate; you’re learning how to navigate those conversations yourself. By paying attention to how other people describe their internal world, you start to recognise and validate those same emotions when they pop up in your own head. It makes the whole concept of emotional honesty feel a lot more normal and less like a foreign language. Plus, it makes your relationships much stronger because people actually feel heard when they’re talking to you.
10. Get some physical activity in.
There’s a reason you often feel a lot clearer after a session at the gym or a long walk. Pushing your body helps release a lot of that pent-up tension that usually sits in your chest or shoulders when you’re stressed. Physical activity gives your mind a break from the constant internal chatter and makes it much easier to identify what’s actually bothering you once the adrenaline wears off. Whether it’s a solo run or a game of five-a-side with the lads, moving your body is one of the most straightforward ways to shift a heavy mood.
11. Read books about emotional intelligence.
You don’t have to figure all this out by trial and error. There are plenty of people who’ve already done the legwork and written about how to get a grip on your internal life. Reading about other people’s experiences and the techniques they used can give you a completely new perspective on your own habits. It’s like having a manual for a piece of kit you’ve been trying to operate without instructions for 20 years. The more you understand how the brain actually processes feelings, the less mysterious and overwhelming they seem.
12. Start expressing appreciation more often.
Starting with positive emotions is often a lot less daunting than diving straight into the heavy stuff. Telling someone that you appreciate what they did or that you’re glad they’re around might feel a bit awkward at first, but it’s a great way to break the ice with being more expressive. It builds a bit of a bridge between you and the people you care about, making it much more natural to be honest when things aren’t going so well later on. It’s about getting used to the sound of your own voice saying something meaningful.
13. Use technology to their advantage.
If you’re the type of person who lives on their phone, you might as well use it to keep track of how you’re doing. There are loads of apps out there designed to help you log your mood or prompt you to reflect on your day. It’s a low-effort way to become more aware of your emotional state over time without having to sit down with a physical diary. Seeing your moods mapped out can help you spot triggers, like a certain person at work or a lack of sleep, that are consistently knocking you off course.
14. Volunteer or help people.
Getting out of your own head and focusing on someone else’s problems can be incredibly grounding. Whether you’re helping out at a local food bank or just giving a neighbour a hand with their shopping, it provides a different kind of emotional outlet. These experiences often bring up feelings of empathy and connection that we usually suppress in our day-to-day lives. It’s a reminder that everyone is dealing with their own version of the struggle, and it opens up new ways for you to think about your own situation.
15. Challenge stereotypes about masculinity.
The biggest hurdle is often the voice in your head telling you that men aren’t supposed to act like this. You have to consciously decide that those old rules are outdated and actively work against them. Recognising that it’s actually a sign of strength to face up to your feelings rather than just running away from them is the most important part of the process. By giving yourself permission to be a human being instead of a cardboard cutout of a tough guy, you’re making it easier for every other man in your life to do the same.
