Everyone wants to be liked, but there’s a difference between being kind and bending over backwards for approval.
Some people chase acceptance so hard that it seeps into the way they talk. They dumb themselves down, apologise too much, or try too hard to sound agreeable, hoping it’ll make them easier to love. The problem is, it usually has the opposite effect. Instead of coming across as genuine, it can make them seem unsure or even a little fake.
They’ll say whatever they think people want to hear, even if it means twisting themselves into knots to avoid disapproval. It’s a habit that might come from old wounds or low self-esteem, but recognising it is the first step toward changing it. Once you start paying attention, it’s surprisingly easy to spot the phrases that reveal when someone’s chasing validation rather than connection.
1. “I’m not usually like this.”
They feel the need to distance themselves from any behaviour that might be judged negatively. One slightly off moment, and they’re rushing to reassure you this isn’t the real them. Constantly giving disclaimers shows they’re terrified you’ll form a bad opinion. Secure people don’t need to explain away every imperfect moment because they know one interaction doesn’t define them.
2. “Does that make sense?” after every sentence.
Asking this once is fine, but doing it repeatedly reveals they’re checking whether you’re still with them and haven’t decided they’re stupid. They need constant reassurance that you’re following and not judging them. It’s less about clarity and more about seeking validation that they’re communicating acceptably. They can’t trust that if something wasn’t clear, you’d just ask.
3. “No offence but…”
They want to say what they think, but are so scared of negative reactions that they preface everything with this insurance policy. They’re chasing approval, but they’re trying to pass it off as politeness. This line actually makes whatever follows worse because it highlights they know it might offend. Secure people either say what they think clearly or don’t say it, without hedging their bets.
4. “I’m sorry” for things that don’t need apologies.
They apologise for taking up space, having needs, or existing in ways that inconvenience nobody. Every normal human action gets treated like something they need to say sorry for. Constantly apologising reveals that they see themselves as an imposition. They’re constantly trying to smooth over their existence because they’re terrified of being seen as difficult or demanding.
5. “This is probably a stupid question but…”
They can’t just ask something, they have to put themselves down first as insurance against judgement. If they pre-emptively call themselves stupid, maybe you won’t. This habit shows they’re more worried about how they appear than actually getting information. Secure people ask questions without auditioning for approval first.
6. “I totally agree with you” immediately.
Before you’ve even finished explaining your position, they’re agreeing enthusiastically. They prioritise alignment over having their own opinions because disagreement feels too risky. Their instant agreement happens even on topics where they secretly disagree. They’d rather betray their own views than risk you not liking them for thinking differently.
7. “You probably don’t remember me, but…”
They assume they’re forgettable and need to remind you of their insignificance. They’re dressing their self-deprecation in humility, but really it’s fishing for you to contradict them. Secure people just reintroduce themselves if needed without the apologetic framing. This statement broadcasts insecurity while trying to seem modest.
8. “I know I’m being annoying.”
They say this while doing something completely normal, like asking a question or making a request. By calling themselves annoying first, they’re trying to manage your opinion of them. If they actually thought they were being annoying they’d stop. Instead, they’re looking for reassurance that they’re not while simultaneously planting the idea that they might be.
9. “Am I talking too much?”
Mid-conversation, they suddenly panic that they’re dominating and need to check whether you’re still okay with them speaking. One story turns into anxiety about whether they’re being self-centred. This interrupts the natural flow because they can’t trust that if you were bored, you’d redirect the conversation. They need explicit permission to keep existing in the interaction.
10. “I don’t want to bother you, but…”
Every normal request gets framed as an imposition they’re terrified to make. They can’t just ask for something, they have to grovel and apologise for having needs first. Saying this makes simple interactions exhausting because you have to reassure them it’s fine before they’ll even tell you what they want. Secure people just ask directly without the performance.
11. “Whatever you want to do is fine.”
They never state a preference because having wants might make them difficult. Every decision gets deferred to other people because being agreeable feels safer than risking someone being annoyed by their opinion. It seems easygoing, but it’s actually exhausting because nobody knows what they want. They’re so desperate to be liked that they’ve erased themselves entirely.
12. “I’m probably wrong, but…”
They undercut their own point before making it, giving you permission to dismiss what they’re about to say. It’s preemptive self sabotage to avoid the sting of being corrected. If they genuinely thought they were wrong, they wouldn’t speak. This phrase reveals they want to contribute, but are terrified of being judged for having opinions.
13. “You’re probably too busy, but…”
They can’t make plans or ask to hang out without assuming you don’t actually want to spend time with them. Every invitation comes with an escape route built in for you. This makes the other person do extra work reassuring them while also being asked to make plans. Secure people just suggest things without assuming rejection in advance.
14. “I hope that’s okay?”
They turn statements into questions, seeking approval for normal things like sharing an opinion or making a choice. Everything needs validation because they can’t trust their own judgement. Unfortunately, their constant need for external approval is exhausting for everyone around them. They’re outsourcing their self-worth to other people because they have none internally.
15. “I don’t mean to be difficult, but…”
Having any preference or boundary gets framed as being difficult. They’ve internalised that their needs are problems, so expressing them requires an apology and a disclaimer. Secure people state what they need without the guilt laden preamble. This phrase shows they’ve been convinced that having requirements makes them a burden.
