Parenting doesn’t stop when your kids grow up, but the dynamics sure do change.
If you’re finding that your adult children aren’t particularly receptive to your pearls of wisdom, you’re not alone. They can be ridiculously stubborn when it comes to doing things their own way, even if it’s clearly the wrong way. Here are some honest reasons why they might be brushing off your advice. Remember, it’s not about you being a bad parent, but about them finding their own way.
1. They want to figure things out on their own.
Your adult kids are trying to establish their independence. They want to prove to themselves (and maybe to you) that they can handle life’s challenges without running to Mum or Dad for every little thing. Let them stumble a bit, as hard as that might be to watch. It’s how they’ll learn and grow.
2. Your advice might feel outdated.
The world is changing at a breakneck pace. What worked for you 20 or 30 years ago likely isn’t going to be applicable today. Your kids are navigating a different landscape in terms of career, relationships, and societal norms. They might feel your advice doesn’t quite fit their reality, and they’re probably right.
3. They’re tired of feeling judged.
Even when you don’t mean to, your advice might come across as judgement. Your kids might feel like you’re implying they’re not doing things right. Try to offer support without criticism. They’ll be more likely to open up if they don’t feel like they’re being graded on their life choices.
4. They want your emotional support, not solutions.
Often, when your kids share their problems, they’re not looking for you to fix things. They might just want a sympathetic ear. Sometimes, listening without offering advice is the best support you can give. As tempting as it might be to start reeling off advice or solutions, a bit of self-control here can make all the difference.
5. Your advice might not align with their values.
Your kids might have different priorities or values than you do. What you see as important might not be what they’re striving for. Recognise that their definition of success or happiness might look different from yours, and accept that. Don’t try to get them to adopt your beliefs, as it’ll backfire (and push them further away).
6. They feel like you don’t understand their situation.
Your kids might think you can’t relate to their struggles. The challenges of being a young adult today are different from what you experienced. Try to listen and understand before jumping in with advice. Also, accept that they’re likely not going to tell you every element of an issue or situation, and it’s not personal.
7. They want to avoid conflict.
If your advice has led to arguments in the past, your kids might be avoiding it to keep the peace. They value their relationship with you and might prefer to sidestep potential conflicts by not asking for your input. They’d rather handle things on their own than make things worse by getting into a blow-up with you.
8. They’re worried about disappointing you.
Your kids might fear that if they don’t take your advice, you’ll be disappointed in them. This can create pressure that makes them less likely to share their problems or ask for your guidance. That’s not necessarily your fault; it could be internalised fear that has nothing to do with your support (or lack thereof) and everything to do with their own feelings.
9. They’ve already made up their mind.
Sometimes, when your kids share a problem, they’ve already decided what to do. They might be looking for validation rather than advice. In these cases, offering unsolicited advice can feel frustrating for them. The best you can do is stand behind the decisions they make rather than trying to get them to change course.
10. They want to learn from their own mistakes.
Making mistakes and learning from them is a crucial part of growing up, even for adults. Your kids might want the space to make their own errors and figure out how to fix them. It’s how they’ll build resilience and problem-solving skills, and that’s important (even if it’s not pleasant to watch).
11. Your advice might feel like control.
As adults, your children want to feel in control of their own lives. Frequent advice-giving might feel like you’re trying to steer their life from the back seat. They need to feel like they’re in the driver’s seat of their own journey.
12. They might be dealing with issues you haven’t experienced.
Your kids might be facing challenges that weren’t common in your day, like navigating social media pressures or dealing with student loan debt. They might feel your advice doesn’t quite fit these modern dilemmas, and maybe it doesn’t. That’s not your fault, but it is reality.
13. They want to make you proud by handling things themselves.
Ironically, your kids might be avoiding your advice because they want to impress you. They want to show you that they’ve grown into capable adults who can solve their own problems. Give them an opportunity to do so (though make sure you’re not creating an environment in which they feel pressured to).
14. They’re worried about becoming dependent.
Your kids might fear that if they rely too much on your advice, they’ll struggle to make decisions on their own. They’re trying to build their own decision-making muscles, even if it means making a few wrong choices along the way.
15. They might be protecting your feelings.
If your kids are going through something difficult, they might avoid asking for your advice to spare you worry or stress. They’re trying to protect you, even if it means handling tough situations on their own. Sure, you think you could handle it, and you probably could, but they believe otherwise.
16. Your advice might come with strings attached.
If your past advice has come with expectations or “I told you so” moments, your kids might be wary of seeking it out. They want to feel supported, not indebted or scrutinised. If you want them to feel safe opening up to you, make sure they know they are.
17. They’re trying to establish their own identity.
Part of becoming an adult is figuring out who you are outside of your family. Your kids might be avoiding your advice as part of establishing their own identity and way of doing things.
