Some of the habits we develop become so engrained that we don’t realise the damage they’re doing.
You’ve done them for years, maybe everyone around you does them too, so they just seem like how things work. The problem is that just because something has become normalised doesn’t make it okay or right. People might write these behaviours off as no big deal or even completely fine, but they’re definitely not. If you’re guilty of any of them yourself, it’s time to knock them on the head.
1. They make jokes at your expense and tell you to lighten up.
It starts off funny enough, little digs about how you dress or that thing you said last week. However, it happens every time you see them, and when you mention it bothers you, suddenly you’re too sensitive.
They’ve found this perfect loophole where they get to be mean, and you’re the problem for not laughing. It’s dressed up as banter, so calling it out makes you look like you can’t take a joke, which keeps you quiet.
2. They guilt-trip you whenever you set a boundary.
You say you can’t do something, and they go quiet or hit you with, “I guess I’ll just figure it out myself then…” It’s not angry, just disappointed enough to make you feel like you’ve let them down.
The emotional manipulation works because it’s subtle. They’re not shouting or making demands, just making you feel bad enough that you backtrack and do what they wanted in the first place to stop feeling guilty.
3. They constantly bring up your past mistakes during arguments.
You’re trying to talk about what’s happening now, but suddenly, it’s about that time two years ago when you forgot their birthday. Every disagreement becomes a highlight reel of everything you’ve ever done wrong.
It derails any actual resolution because you end up defending yourself against old stuff instead of addressing the current issue. They’ve learned that bringing up your history is a great way to pass off blame and puts you on the back foot every time.
4. They give you the silent treatment instead of talking things through.
Something’s clearly wrong, but they won’t say what. They just go cold and distant, leaving you to guess what you’ve done and how to fix it. Days might pass before they decide to speak to you again.
It’s a power move disguised as needing space. They’re punishing you by withdrawing completely, which forces you to come crawling back and apologise for something you might not even understand. It keeps them in control without having a single conversation.
5. They tell you that you’re remembering things wrong when you bring up concerns.
You’re certain they said something hurtful or made a promise they didn’t keep. But they insist it never happened, or you’ve twisted what they meant, and suddenly, you’re questioning your own memory of events.
This gaslighting makes you doubt yourself so thoroughly that you stop bringing things up. If you can’t trust your own recollection, it’s easier to just let things go than keep arguing about what’s real and what apparently isn’t.
6. They need to know where you are and who you’re with all the time.
It starts out feeling like they care, all these check ins and questions about your day. But then you realise you’re basically reporting your movements, and it feels more like surveillance than interest in your life.
They’ve framed it as love or concern, which makes it hard to push back on. But really it’s about control and making sure you’re not doing anything they haven’t approved of, which slowly shrinks your world down.
7. They compare you to other people to make you feel inadequate.
Your friend’s partner does this, their ex would never have reacted that way, their colleague is so much more organised. These little comparisons get dropped into conversations like they’re just observations, but they sting every time.
It plants this seed that you’re not quite good enough and someone else could do better in your place. You end up trying to measure up to these other people, constantly competing with ghosts to prove your worth.
8. They turn everything into a competition, even when it doesn’t need to be.
You mention you’re tired, and suddenly, they’re more tired. You got a promotion, and they immediately talk about their achievements. Nothing you experience just gets to exist without being one upped or diminished by their bigger version.
It’s exhausting because you can’t share anything without it becoming about them. They’ve made your relationship into this weird hierarchy where they always need to be winning, which means your stuff never really matters unless it serves their narrative.
9. They play the victim whenever you try to address their behaviour.
You finally work up the courage to say something bothered you, and within minutes they’re crying or talking about how hard things are for them. Your issue gets shelved while you comfort them about how difficult this conversation is.
They’ve flipped the script so effectively that you end up feeling bad for bringing it up. You’re the one who caused them pain by having feelings, which trains you to just shut up and deal with things quietly next time.
10. They make big promises they never intend to keep.
They’ll definitely help you move house, they’re absolutely going to start therapy, they promise things will change. It sounds genuine in the moment, but weeks pass and nothing’s different. When you bring it up, there’s always a reason why it hasn’t happened yet.
These empty promises keep you hanging on because you want to believe them. It gives you just enough hope to stick around without them actually having to do the work of changing or showing up properly.
11. They isolate you from friends and family without being obvious about it.
They don’t outright forbid you from seeing people. They just make it difficult by sulking when you have plans, questioning why you’d rather be with them than here, or creating drama that needs sorting right when you’re meant to be somewhere.
Over time, you see people less because it’s not worth the hassle or the guilt trip afterwards. They’ve managed to cut you off from your support network while making it look like your choice, which is clever and damaging.
12. They dismiss your feelings as overreacting or being too emotional.
You try to explain why something hurt, and they sigh like you’re being ridiculous. They tell you that you’re too sensitive or making a big deal out of nothing, which makes you feel stupid for even feeling upset.
It invalidates your experience so completely that you start second guessing every emotional response you have. You learn to swallow things down and stop sharing because apparently your feelings are always wrong or too much to deal with.
13. They expect you to read their mind, then get angry when you can’t.
You’re supposed to just know they wanted you to do something or that they’re upset about a specific thing. When you don’t pick up on these invisible signals, they get frustrated like you’ve deliberately ignored something obvious.
It sets you up to fail because you’re constantly trying to anticipate needs and moods without any actual communication. You’re walking on eggshells, analysing every interaction for clues about what they want but won’t say out loud.
14. They love bomb you after treating you poorly to smooth things over.
After a massive argument or stretch of coldness, suddenly they’re all affection and grand gestures. They buy you something nice or plan a lovely day out, and it feels like maybe things really will be different this time.
This cycle keeps you hooked because the good bits feel so good after the bad bits felt so awful. You forgive and forget because the attention’s back, but it doesn’t address what happened. It just resets everything until the pattern starts again.
