EQ feels like it’s in short supply these days, but it’s one of the most vital qualities a person can have.
After all, it’s emotional intelligence that allows us to “get” and empathise with the people around us, as well as helping us read the room, show sensitivity to those who might need it, and generally be thoughtful, caring, compassionate humans. It’s not always immediately evident whether or not someone has this trait, but these habits make it clear what side of the line they fall on.
1. How they handle being wrong
Watch what happens when someone realises they’ve made a mistake or been corrected about something. People with low emotional intelligence often get defensive, make excuses, or even double down on being wrong rather than simply acknowledging it. They might blame other people, or act like admitting a mistake is a personal attack.
The emotionally intelligent response is actually pretty straightforward. A simple “you’re right, I got that wrong” or “thanks for pointing that out” shows they can separate their ego from the facts. They understand that being wrong doesn’t make them a bad person.
2. Their reaction to other people’s success
Nothing exposes emotional immaturity quite like watching someone react to a friend’s promotion, engagement, or big win. Those lacking emotional intelligence often struggle to genuinely celebrate other people, instead making it about themselves with comments like “I could never afford that” or immediately sharing their own similar story.
People who’ve developed emotional awareness understand that someone else’s success doesn’t take anything away from them. They can feel genuinely happy for other people without it triggering their own insecurities. When they hear good news, their first instinct is to celebrate, not compete.
3. How they discuss their relationships
Listen to how someone talks about their romantic relationships, friendships, or family dynamics. Those with poor emotional intelligence tend to paint themselves as the victim in every story, rarely acknowledging their own role in conflicts. They’ll describe their ex as “crazy” without any self-reflection.
Emotionally aware people can discuss relationship challenges with nuance and ownership. They might say things like “we both handled that badly” or “I probably could have communicated better.” They recognise that most relationship problems involve two people.
4. Their response to constructive criticism
Constructive feedback becomes a minefield when you’re dealing with someone who lacks emotional intelligence. They often take professional feedback personally, get defensive, or shut down completely when someone tries to help them improve. You’ll hear responses like, “Sorry, but that’s just who I am.”
Those with higher emotional intelligence treat feedback as valuable information, even when it stings a bit. They ask clarifying questions, thank people for their honesty, and actually make efforts to implement suggestions. They understand that feedback is about improving performance, not attacking their worth.
5. How they handle service workers
The way someone treats waiters, shop assistants, or customer service representatives reveals volumes about their emotional intelligence. People lacking this awareness often take out their frustrations on service workers, speak rudely, or act entitled. They might be charming to their boss but rude to the barista.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that service workers are humans having their own complex days. They’re polite even when frustrated, recognise that most problems aren’t the individual worker’s fault, and treat everyone with basic respect regardless of their position.
6. Their attitude towards mental health
Conversations about therapy, anxiety, depression, or mental health struggles quickly expose someone’s emotional development. Those lacking emotional intelligence often dismiss mental health issues as weakness, suggest people should just “think positive,” or make jokes about therapy. They might say something along the lines of, “Everyone’s depressed these days.”
People with emotional awareness understand that mental health is just as important as physical health. They don’t shame anyone for asking for or getting help. In fact, they recognise that everyone struggles sometimes, and might even share their own experiences with therapy or mental health challenges.
7. How they discuss people who are different from them
Whether it’s different cultures, lifestyles, sexual orientations, or beliefs, how someone talks about people unlike themselves reveals their emotional intelligence level. Those lacking awareness often make sweeping generalisations, express discomfort with differences, or struggle to understand perspectives that don’t match their own experience.
Emotionally intelligent people approach differences with curiosity rather than judgement. They ask thoughtful questions, try to understand other perspectives, and recognise that their way of living isn’t the only valid one. They’re comfortable with the fact that other people have different values.
8. Their reaction to being cancelled or having plans change
Last-minute changes or cancellations can be frustrating for everyone, but people with low emotional intelligence often react disproportionately. They might take cancellations personally, assume the worst about people’s motives, or hold grudges over changed plans. They struggle to adapt and make everyone around them feel guilty.
Those with better emotional awareness understand that life happens and plans sometimes need to change. They express disappointment without making it anyone’s fault, quickly move to problem-solving mode, and don’t take schedule changes as personal slights. They’re flexible and focus on finding solutions.
9. How they handle compliments
Receiving praise gracefully is actually harder than it looks, and people lacking emotional intelligence often struggle with it. They might deflect every compliment, turn it into self-deprecation, or immediately redirect attention to someone else. On the flip side, they might fish for compliments constantly.
Emotionally aware people can accept compliments with a simple “thank you” without feeling uncomfortable or needing to minimise the praise. They don’t rely on external validation for their self-worth, but they can appreciate when other people acknowledge their efforts or qualities.
10. Their approach to apologising
Nothing reveals emotional immaturity quite like a bad apology. People with low emotional intelligence often give non-apologies like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or make excuses that push blame away from themselves. They might apologise, but then immediately explain why they were justified.
A genuine apology from someone emotionally aware focuses on taking responsibility and understanding impact. They’ll say things like, “I’m sorry I hurt you, that wasn’t my intention, but I understand why you’re upset.” They don’t make excuses or defend themselves.
11. How they discuss their childhood or past
The way someone talks about their upbringing and past experiences often reveals their level of emotional processing. Those lacking emotional intelligence might blame everything on their parents, refuse to acknowledge any positive aspects of their childhood, or conversely, idealise everything and refuse to recognise negative patterns.
Emotionally mature people can discuss their childhood with nuance and ownership. They recognise both positive and negative influences, understand how their upbringing shaped them, and take responsibility for working on patterns that don’t serve them. They don’t use their past as an excuse.
12. Their reaction to being misunderstood
When someone misinterprets their words or actions, people with poor emotional intelligence often get frustrated and blame the other person for “not getting it.” They might repeat themselves louder or get annoyed that they have to explain their intentions. They struggle to see how their communication might have been unclear.
Those with higher emotional intelligence recognise that miscommunication happens and focus on clarifying rather than blaming. They might say “I don’t think I explained that well, let me try again” or “I can see how that came across differently than I intended.”
13. How they handle being ignored or excluded
Whether it’s not being invited to something, not getting a text back, or feeling left out of a conversation, exclusion triggers different responses depending on emotional intelligence. Those lacking awareness often jump to conclusions, assume malicious intent, or get disproportionately upset about perceived slights.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that not every social interaction is about them. They recognise that people have busy lives, different friend groups, and limited time. Rather than taking exclusion personally, they focus on their own relationships and don’t waste energy worrying.
14. Their attitude towards boundaries
Discussions about personal boundaries quickly reveal someone’s emotional maturity level. People lacking emotional intelligence often push back against boundaries, take them personally, or struggle to understand why they’re necessary. They might say things like, “If you really cared, you’d make an exception.”
Those with emotional awareness respect boundaries even when they’re disappointed by them. They understand that healthy boundaries actually make relationships stronger, and they don’t take personal limits as rejection of them as a person. They also have their own clear boundaries.
15. How they discuss their mistakes and failures
Past failures and mistakes become telling conversation topics when you’re assessing emotional intelligence. Some people either refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing or mistakes, painting themselves as perpetual victims, or they go to the opposite extreme and beat themselves up mercilessly for every error.
Emotionally intelligent people can discuss their mistakes with balance and learning. They acknowledge what they did wrong, understand the impact of their actions, and focus on what they learned from the experience. They see failures as information and opportunities for growth.
