It’s one of the hardest truths for any parent to face: you can love your adult child deeply, but still struggle to like the person they’ve grown into.
Maybe their choices clash with your values, or the relationship feels tense and unfamiliar. When they were young, you had some control. Now you don’t, and that loss of influence can be tough. It’s easy to slip into judgement or resentment, especially if you feel shut out of their life, but trying to change them only widens the gap. The real work starts with accepting that they’re their own person, not an extension of you.
Loving them as an adult means letting go of the version of them you imagined and learning to connect with the one who actually exists. You don’t have to approve of every decision to maintain respect and warmth. When you stop trying to fix who they are, you make space for something far more meaningful: an honest, grown-up relationship that can actually survive difference.
Accept that disappointment doesn’t mean failure.
Every parent pictures how their child’s life will turn out, even if they don’t admit it. When reality looks nothing like that, disappointment is natural, but it doesn’t mean you’ve failed, and it doesn’t mean they have either. People grow in ways you can’t predict, and sometimes those directions are uncomfortable to watch.
It helps to remind yourself that your role isn’t to steer them anymore, but to stay steady while they find their own way. Love gets easier when you stop measuring it against expectation.
Stop treating their choices like personal attacks.
It’s easy to take their lifestyle, politics, or parenting decisions as reflections on you, but they’re not. Adults make choices that fit their experiences, not their parents’ hopes. When you see everything they do as a rejection, you turn connection into competition. Try stepping back long enough to remember they’re living their life, not reliving yours. You don’t have to agree to stay close. You just have to stop taking it so personally.
Remember that control and care aren’t the same thing.
Parents often confuse trying to “help” with trying to control, especially when they think they know best. You can care deeply and still let someone make their own mistakes. In fact, that’s often the only way a relationship can move forward. Offering advice is fine, but constant correction pushes them away. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is step aside and trust that they’ll work things out, even if you wouldn’t do it their way.
Look at who they are, not who they were.
It’s hard to update your mental picture of your child once they’ve grown. You might still see the stubborn teenager or the uncertain young adult, even though they’re now someone entirely different. Clinging to outdated versions makes it impossible to meet them where they are.
Notice how they’ve changed: their confidence, their quirks, their perspective. You can’t build a grown-up relationship while still talking to the child they used to be.
Be honest about your own role in the distance between you.
It’s tempting to blame the tension entirely on them, but relationships are rarely that simple. Maybe you’ve been too critical, too involved, or too withdrawn. Taking a hard look at your own behaviour isn’t comfortable, but it’s the only way to break old patterns. Owning your part doesn’t mean taking all the blame. It just shows you’re willing to grow, too. A little humility goes a long way, and it can change the tone of everything.
Respect their privacy.
When your child becomes an adult, their life stops being open territory. They don’t owe you every detail, and asking too many questions can come across as intrusive rather than caring. It’s tough when you feel shut out, but trust grows from space, not pressure. Let them choose what they share, and show genuine interest when they do. When people feel respected, they’re far more likely to let you in naturally.
Learn how to separate love from approval.
Parents often tie the two together, thinking that if you love someone, you must also approve of everything they do. However, that’s not how adult relationships work. You can love your child fiercely while still disagreeing with their decisions or lifestyle. The key is keeping your disapproval from turning into criticism. Love isn’t conditional on alignment; it’s built on respect for their autonomy.
Don’t make them responsible for your emotions.
It’s easy to guilt-trip without meaning to. A sigh, a loaded comment, a “you never call” can all send the message that your child’s job is to manage your feelings, but that emotional pressure only drives distance. Adults want connection, not obligation. Express how you feel, but without the expectation that they must fix it. The more balanced the emotional dynamic, the healthier the relationship becomes.
Focus on shared ground, not what divides you.
When tension builds, it’s tempting to dwell on what you disagree about. However, if you want to rebuild warmth, start with what still connects you: happy memories, humour, interests, values. Talk about things that remind you both you’re on the same team. A relationship doesn’t have to be built on perfect understanding, just mutual effort. Sometimes, rediscovering simple common ground is all it takes to soften years of frustration.
Stop comparing them to their siblings or peers.
Few things cut deeper than feeling constantly measured against someone else. Whether it’s a brother, cousin, or the neighbour’s “perfect” daughter, comparison only breeds resentment. Each person has their own path, and it’s unfair to judge one by another’s timeline. It might make you feel you’re motivating them, but really, it just tells them they’ll never quite measure up. Appreciation works far better than competition.
Don’t confuse distance with disrespect.
Sometimes your child isn’t pulling away out of spite. In reality, they’re just setting boundaries. Adults need space to build lives that aren’t defined by family expectations. If they’re quieter or less available, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care. It might mean they’re trying to find balance. Accepting that distance doesn’t have to equal rejection can help you reconnect from a calmer, more equal place.
Say what you mean without sarcasm.
Snide jokes and throwaway comments can do real damage, especially when tension’s already there. Sarcasm might feel like a safe way to express frustration, but it usually lands as judgement. Clear, kind honesty gets you further than passive digs ever will. If something bothers you, say it directly and respectfully. Real connection thrives on clarity, not coded irritation.
Let go of the fantasy of the perfect family.
Every family has its mess. Social media and nostalgia make it easy to believe everyone else is closer, kinder, or more in sync, but that’s rarely true. Trying to live up to an imagined version of family life will only leave you feeling disappointed. Real families are complicated, and they’re full of love, conflict, and misunderstanding. The sooner you stop chasing the ideal, the easier it becomes to appreciate what you actually have.
Find ways to love them through their flaws.
You don’t have to like every part of them to love them. Try to see the story behind the behaviour: fear behind anger, insecurity behind arrogance, pain behind withdrawal. You don’t have to excuse it, but understanding it softens resentment. Compassion doesn’t mean letting them walk over you; it means recognising that they’re human, just like you. Sometimes that change in perspective is what saves the relationship.
Keep showing up, even if it’s awkward.
Rebuilding connection takes time, and it won’t always feel natural. There’ll be strained silences, missteps, and moments you wish you’d said something differently. The thing is, consistency matters more than perfection. Keep making the effort, keep extending small gestures of care. You don’t have to agree, you just have to stay willing because love that lasts into adulthood means choosing to show up, again and again.
