Sometimes it isn’t how often you argue that matters most in a relationship.
After all, every couple argues, and most of the time, it passes quickly and is no big deal. That’s especially true when you’ve been together for a long time and are in each other’s pockets often. What really predicts divorce are the subtler habits that slowly drain warmth, trust and the feeling that you matter to each other.
That being said, if these things are present in your relationship, it doesn’t bode well for how you’ll fare long-term unless you do some course-correcting ASAP.
You feel contempt rather than criticism.
When one partner starts treating the other with disdain, sarcasm, eye-rolling or mockery, respect begins to slip away. It stops being about solving things together and starts feeling like one person is ‘less than’.
What helps more is bringing back genuine kindness, listening, admiration and warmth. When you remember what you like about each other and treat each other kindly even in the hard moments, things change.
You refuse to accept influence from each other.
If one person refuses to let the other’s opinions, feelings or feedback matter, that person starts acting as though their partner doesn’t matter. That makes it harder for real teamwork to happen.
Opening up to what your partner cares about, even when you disagree, keeps things balanced. It shows you value them, not just your own view, which makes the bond stronger.
You stonewall instead of talk.
When one partner goes silent, shuts off or avoids emotionally engaging during conflict, the conversation dies or spirals. Things don’t get resolved, and frustration builds.
A much better approach is saying something like, “I need a moment, but I want us to come back and talk this through.” That small commitment to return keeps the door open.
You start arguments with harsh tone or sarcasm.
If conflicts begin with attack, blame or negativity, the rest of the conversation almost always goes downhill. A harsh opening usually means things will blow up rather than heal.
Trying to begin discussions calmly, softly, and respectfully makes a big difference. How you start matters; a gentle tone creates space for listening, not defensiveness.
You flood each other emotionally.
When one person becomes overwhelmed, whether physically or emotionally, they stop thinking clearly and tend to lash out or shut down. It becomes about survival, not understanding.
Recognising when you’re getting too worked up and taking a breath helps. You can say you need a short pause, then come back when you’re calmer, rather than pushing through in a high-stress state.
Your shared memories are mostly negative.
If what you mostly recall together is disappointments, fights or unmet expectations, it becomes hard to remember why you liked each other in the first place. The emotional bank balance runs low.
Making a point to remember good times, jokes, kindness and the little things that made you smile can help restore perspective. It transforms the balance from damage to connection.
You rely mostly on avoidance rather than addressing things.
When problems go unspoken, swept under the rug or ignored, they don’t disappear. Instead, they quietly build pressure, resentment, or coldness over time.
It’s healthier to bring things up gently when they matter, rather than pretending everything is fine. It’s okay to say things awkwardly or imperfectly, as long as you say them.
They don’t repair after conflict.
Even the best-intentioned couples mess up sometimes. If mistakes happen but aren’t acknowledged or fixed, the weight of unresolved tension grows.
What makes a big difference is saying sorry, explaining what you meant, showing you care, and trying again. That repair work matters as much as not arguing at all.
You stop doing small kindnesses.
When the little thoughtful things, such as a message asking how your day was, a cup of tea, a hug, a surprise snack, vanish, it becomes easier to feel taken for granted rather than appreciated.
Paying attention to small moments really helps. Doing something thoughtful for no reason shows you still see your partner. It helps keep the warmth alive and reminds you why you’re together.
You let distance creep in without noticing.
Emotional distance often sneaks up: less deep conversation, fewer inside jokes, fewer shared moments or plans. It’s easy to end up in different emotional rooms without realising.
Trying often to check in about what’s going on, how you feel, what you’d like more of keeps things connected. Shared time and intention help to prevent growing apart without noticing.
You blame rather than explore feelings.
If one partner often says, “You made me feel…” in a blaming way, the other might shut down or push back. It becomes about accusation instead of honest feelings.
A more helpful way is to say how things affected you and invite your partner to explain how they saw it. You both get a chance to be heard, not judged, which helps trust stay alive.
You lose shared goals or values as time goes on.
When what you want from life or what you care about changes, but you don’t notice or talk about it, you can end up going in different directions without meaning to.
It helps if you check in sometimes about what matters to both of you now, not just what mattered years ago. Shared hopes, values and dreams matter. Making sure you still align keeps you pulling together.
You assume the other knows what they want without saying it.
If one partner expects the other to read their mind or just know what they need without being told, disappointment is almost inevitable. That misalignment causes frustration.
Getting clearer about what you need, what you don’t like, what feels okay or not makes communication less guesswork. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being honest and making your needs known.
You let negative cycles become the default tone.
When many conversations start to follow the same negative pattern of annoyance, frustration, and defensiveness, it becomes a default mode rather than occasional blips. That makes it harder to see jokes or gentleness again.
Trying to notice when you’re slipping into those old patterns can help. Stopping to check, “Is this where we went wrong last time?” might feel awkward, but it can help you break the cycle and recover the warmth you once had.
