People with low self-esteem already fight a constant battle in their own heads.
The wrong words, even when meant kindly, can make that inner voice even harsher. Sometimes it’s not what you say, but how casually you say it that hurts. It’s the offhand comments that make someone feel smaller, weaker, or less capable than they already do.
Most of the time, people don’t realise how their words come across. They think they’re offering reassurance or perspective, but it ends up sounding dismissive. When someone’s struggling to feel good about themselves, what they need most is patience, empathy, and understanding. Here are the phrases that often do more harm than good, even when they’re said with the best intentions.
1. “Just get over it.”
Yeah, no. Telling someone to simply “get over” their feelings invalidates their experience and dismisses their emotions as unimportant. It’s like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off. It’s not helpful and can make them feel even worse.
2. “You’re too sensitive.”
Everyone has different levels of sensitivity, and dismissing someone’s feelings as “too sensitive” is a form of gaslighting. It tells them that their emotions are wrong or invalid, which can be incredibly damaging. Instead, try to validate their feelings and offer support.
3. “You’re being dramatic.”
Labelling someone’s emotions as “dramatic” is a way of minimising their feelings and making them feel like they’re overreacting. It’s important to remember that everyone experiences emotions differently, and what might seem dramatic to you might be very real and valid for them.
4. “Stop being so negative.”
Telling someone to “stop being negative” is like telling them to stop breathing. Negative thoughts and feelings are a natural part of the human experience, especially for those with low self-esteem. Instead of dismissing their negativity, try to understand where it’s coming from and offer support and encouragement.
5. “You’re always so hard on yourself.”
While this might seem like an empathetic statement, it can actually make someone feel even worse about themselves. It highlights their perceived flaws and reinforces their negative self-talk. Instead, focus on their strengths and offer positive affirmations.
6. “You need to toughen up.”
Telling someone to “toughen up” is like telling them to suppress their emotions and pretend they’re not hurting. This is not a healthy way to cope with difficult emotions and can lead to further isolation and emotional distress. Encourage them to express their feelings and get the support they need.
7. “You’re not good enough.”
This is one of the most hurtful things you can say to someone struggling with low self-esteem. It reinforces their negative beliefs about themselves and can further destroy their confidence. Instead, focus on their strengths and remind them of their worth.
8. “Why can’t you be more like [insert name]?”
Comparing someone to other people is never helpful, especially when they’re already feeling down on themselves. It makes them feel inadequate and like they’ll never measure up. Instead, focus on their individual strengths and encourage them to be the best version of themselves.
9. “You’re just looking for attention.”
When someone is expressing their struggles with self-esteem, accusing them of wanting attention invalidates their feelings and minimises their pain. It’s a dismissive comment that can make them feel even more isolated and misunderstood. Instead of accusing them of attention-seeking, try to understand the underlying reasons for their behaviour.
10. “You have so much to be grateful for.”
While gratitude is a wonderful thing, telling someone with low self-esteem to be grateful can come across as insensitive and dismissive. It minimises their struggles and suggests that their feelings are invalid. Instead, acknowledge their pain and offer support without minimising their experiences.
11. “Everyone feels that way sometimes.”
This might seem like a way to normalise their feelings, but it can actually have the opposite effect. It can make them feel like their struggles are insignificant and not worth addressing. Instead of generalising, validate their specific feelings and experiences.
12. “You’re overthinking it.”
People with low self-esteem often engage in a lot of negative self-talk and overthinking. Telling them to stop overthinking can be frustrating and unhelpful. Instead, try to understand their thought patterns and offer support in challenging negative beliefs.
13. “You just need to be more confident.”
If only it were that easy! Telling someone with low self-esteem to be more confident is like telling someone with depression to cheer up. It’s a simplistic solution to a complex problem. Instead, offer support and encouragement, and remind them of their strengths and achievements.
14. “You’ll get over it eventually.”
While it’s true that time can heal many wounds, it’s not helpful to dismiss someone’s pain with this phrase. It implies that their feelings are temporary and insignificant. Instead, be patient and supportive, and allow them to process their emotions at their own pace.
15. “You’re not trying hard enough.”
People with low self-esteem often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Telling them that they’re not trying hard enough can make them feel even worse and discourage them from seeking help. Instead, encourage them to take small steps and celebrate their progress, no matter how small.
