We’ve all watched someone stay in a relationship long after it seemed to be past its expiration date. There are so many broken promises, lack of respect, even outright cruelty… and yet, they just can’t walk away. It’s easy to judge from the outside, but getting stuck in unhealthy relationships is far more common than you might think. Here’s why it happens, even to the smartest and strongest of us.
1. Low self-esteem makes them believe they don’t deserve better.
When you don’t believe in your own worth, it distorts your view of healthy relationships, per research from the University of Waterloo (via ScienceDaily). Constant criticism, put-downs, or being treated unkindly starts to feel familiar and strangely comfortable. A voice in the back of your head might whisper that this is all you deserve, making the thought of leaving too daunting.
2. Fear of being alone can outweigh the pain of staying.
Being alone, especially after a long relationship, can be scary. Loneliness, the worry of never finding someone else, and the prospect of having to rebuild your life solo can make staying in even an unhappy relationship seem preferable to facing the unknown.
3. Hope that things will change keeps them trapped.
Humans are wired for hope. We all cling to those occasional flashes of the person we fell in love with, the moments when things feel good again. This hope, however ill-founded, can be incredibly powerful. If your partner promises to change, addresses your concerns even briefly, or shows rare instances of kindness, it can create a powerful illusion that things will eventually get better, keeping you stuck in the cycle.
4. Confusing intensity with love can be a dangerous trap.
Passionate highs followed by crashing lows isn’t romance, it’s emotional chaos. Yet, this addictive rollercoaster can be mistaken for a deep, soulmate-level connection. Drama gets equated with love, and the instability of the relationship makes it hard to break free when the quiet normalcy of a healthy relationship might feel disappointingly boring by comparison.
5. Fear of their partner’s reaction makes leaving seem impossible.
Unhealthy relationships often involve manipulation or control. Your partner might threaten self-harm, lash out in anger, or guilt-trip you if you mention leaving. Fear of their reaction – whether it’s emotional blackmail or the threat of physical confrontation – can create a paralyzing sense of helplessness.
6. They’ve lost their support network due to isolation tactics.
Controlling partners often try to isolate their victims. They may criticize your friends and family, gradually driving a wedge between you or making you feel like you can’t confide in anyone. Without a support system to turn to, the idea of leaving seems even more difficult and lonely.
7. “Sunk cost fallacy” makes them reluctant to let go.
When you’ve invested years, energy, and shared experiences into a relationship, the idea of ‘wasting’ all that time can create a powerful force keeping you stuck. It’s hard to walk away from a life you’ve built, even if it’s crumbling. This focus on past investment blinds you to the fact that staying is actually costing you even more in terms of your happiness.
8. They feel responsible for fixing their partner’s problems.
If your partner struggles with mental health issues, addiction, or unresolved trauma, you might feel a deep sense of responsibility to help them. Empathy is a wonderful quality, but it can backfire when you take on the burden of fixing someone else who isn’t ready to change. This can trap you in the role of rescuer, losing sight of your own needs while your partner’s problems seem like a justification for staying.
9. Children or shared finances make leaving logistically complicated.
The practical realities of untangling your life can be overwhelming. Concerns about child custody, dividing assets, or figuring out who will move out can make leaving seem like an insurmountable obstacle, especially if your partner tries to use these things as leverage to control you.
10. They’ve been gaslighted into questioning their own reality.
Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse where your partner constantly twists your words, denies your experiences, and subtly makes you doubt your own sanity. If you’ve been convinced that your feelings are invalid, your perceptions are wrong, or that you’re overly sensitive, it becomes incredibly hard to trust the inner voice telling you that this relationship isn’t right.
11. Societal pressures about marriage and staying together can add guilt.
We’re still influenced by the outdated idea that a successful life includes a long-lasting marriage. Divorce or breaking up a long-term commitment can feel like a failure, making it even harder to do what’s right for you, especially if relatives or friends don’t understand your decision.
12. “Trauma bonding” creates a powerful, yet toxic attachment.
When abuse is mixed with intermittent acts of kindness or love, it creates a strong psychological connection known as a trauma bond. Just like an addiction, the brain craves the highs after the lows, making it difficult to break free even when you know the relationship is ultimately harmful.
13. They might be addicted to the approval of a narcissistic partner.
Narcissists dole out praise sparingly, making their victims crave their validation. When you finally do receive a crumb of approval, it provides a dopamine rush that reinforces the attachment. This keeps you perpetually trying to gain their love, like a gambler unable to walk away from a slot machine.
14. “Intermittent reinforcement” makes them hold out for the “good old days”.
Psychologists know that random rewards are most effective at keeping someone hooked. If your partner is occasionally loving, apologetic, and promising, it reinforces the hope that they’ll be that person all the time. Just like a gambler, you keep coming back, convinced the next time will be different.
